Quivering Daughters

Letter To a Friend | Book Recommendations

2011-12-20T05:00:00.000-06:00

by Elizabeth Wyse Cook

My dear friend,

You asked what books I might recommend as you seek healing from the emotional and spiritual trauma you have been through. There are a few books that stand out in my mind as having been really helpful to me. I am sure there are many, many more, but these are some of my favorites.

His Princess: Love Letters from Your King

by Sheri Rose Shepherd This book is the first one that came to me. As someone who had a horrible time receiving love and affirmation, this book gave me a small, daily dose of both. Eventually, the truth of it began to sink in. It is also a beautiful book, which was very good for me. I desperately needed to learn how to take time to see beauty and appreciate it. She has a whole series of books like this, including one for men.

The Life Model: Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You by James Wilder and others; Joy Bonds DVDs or CDs by James Wilder This book and video series gave me the knowledge of how the emotional parts of the brain develop (Joy Bonds) and how to remediate deficits in emotional maturity (The Life Model). I was very immature emotionally, so this gave me hope that I could heal and grow and mature. As long as it is not used as just another formula, this information can be extremely beneficial. I felt like it gave me a map of sorts so that I didn’t feel quite as lost. I will warn you that the Joy Bonds videos, while in plain English, were still very difficult for me to understand the first time through. I think it was mostly because it was so opposite to what I had learned and believed for my whole life.

Waking the Dead: The Glory of a Heart Fully Alive by John Eldredge
Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul by John and Staci Eldredge
Walking with God: Talk to Him. Hear from Him. Really. by John Eldredge Waking the Dead broke down a major wall of lies that I was believing. I learned that God delights in me. That He loves who He created me to be. That I can live in joy because He has made my heart good. Captivating helped me see my value as a woman. It also talks a lot about healing. Walking with God helped me see that my relationship with God could really be a relationship instead of a list of rules to follow.   

Quivering Daughters: Hope and Healing for the Daughters of Patriarchy by Hillary McFarland
Ah, what do I say here? Hillary has been a mentor and become a friend. She totally understands the pressures we faced growing up in legalistic families. Her gentle words have often comforted me. Her grace toward friend and foe alike have inspired me. Her book and blog (www.quiveringdaughters.com) have been such a huge part of my healing that I’m not even sure how to explain it.

Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to say NO To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Everyone should read a book like this. Did you know that it is ok to say no sometimes? To take care of yourself rather than help someone else if you are exhausted? That you are an individual, not an extension of another person? This book explains what boundaries are, how to set them, and how to maintain them.

A Matter of Basic Principles: Bill Gothard and the Christian Life by Don Veinot
This is a hard book to read, but necessary for anyone involved in IBLP/ATI.

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
Explains the thinking of abusers (male and female, despite the title) and how to respond to them. I tend to ask “why” a lot. This book answered so many of my questions. It also gives detailed instructions on how to get away from an abuser if necessary. Not an easy or short read, but well worth it.

When Sparrows Fall: A Novel by Meg Mosley
This one is an easy read, except for possible triggers. It takes various things we were taught and explains them to those who have never heard of them as well as exposing why they are inaccurate - all in novel form. This might be a really good book to hand to relatives who want to understand why we were raised so differently.

This is Your Brain on Joy by Dr. Earl Henslin
This is a rather technical book, but in plain English. It explains the various sections of the brain and what they do (as far as we currently understand it). He also explains how to help your brain to get or stay healthy, including specific recommendations for foods and supplements that may help fight depression, anxiety, anger, etc.

There will be times when you will read something that will trigger unpleasant memories or challenge lies that you believe. One of the things that helped me most at those times was to talk with a supportive friend or counselor who would first listen, then give feedback or remind me of other facts or memories that might help make sense of whatever it was I was processing.

There is no specific order in which to read these. Whatever sounds the most interesting to you is probably what you need first. If you get overwhelmed, feel free to set aside one book and read another for a while. This is not a race to get them all read (high achiever/ perfectionist speaking here). The goal is let the truth you need right that minute soak into your soul. That may be totally different from one day to the next.

Happy reading!

Love,

Your bookworm friend
____
Question for you: What books or resources have helped you, and why?

Letter From a Friend

2011-12-16T09:11:00.000-06:00

by Elizabeth Wyse Cook

My dear friend,

I know you have been through some rough times recently. Your family does not understand why you have done what you have done. Most of your friends are probably avoiding you. But deep inside, you know you did the right thing by leaving. You can no longer be a slave to other people’s opinions - opinions that they claim are God’s way of doing things, but you cannot find basis for in Scripture. You likely feel very alone and very small as you begin your new life. I’m sure there are some doubts at times. It is ok. All of that is normal.

I want you to know that I am proud of you. I’m proud that you are thinking things through. That you are taking a good look at the things you were taught to believe and re-evaluating them. That you are searching for truth - searching for the true God. That you are determined to have your own relationship with Him with no intermediary except Jesus Christ. He is not the vindictive, always frowning and upset God that you were taught He was. He smiles at you with unconditional love and acceptance of who you are right now. He longs to comfort you. He can’t wait for the time when you discover His true character and know that He is compassionate and kind and merciful and full of grace. He is willing to win your trust; He won’t demand it.

I’m proud of you for taking on the responsibilities of an adult and refusing to be a perpetual child. This is not easy for someone raised like we were. It means a lot of risk taking, when we were taught that it was unwise to risk anything, ever. It means getting more education, finding a job, learning how to live in this culture instead of a in a fringe sub-culture. It may mean learning to drive or how to open a bank account and balance a checkbook, if you weren’t allowed to do those things before.

I’m proud of you for facing fear head on. We were taught to fear everything. I’m glad that you are willing to learn that many of those fears are unreasonable and invalid. You can drive yourself to the store and shop alone and be ok. You can wear normal clothes and not stand out like a sore thumb anymore. You can walk down the street and not fear that every man who sees you wants to harm you. The government is not out to get you; in fact, they may be able to help you at times.

I’m proud of you for seeking healthy relationships. For refusing to be a slave anymore. For learning what appropriate boundaries are and being firm in maintaining them with anyone who is determined to treat you like a child and a servant. There are good people in this world who will be good friends to you; I’m so glad you aren’t settling for any less. I’m sorry for the pain of broken relationships right now. Hopefully, those will someday be able to be mended, when they are finally willing to acknowledge you as an adult and an equal.

I’m proud of you for seeking good counsel, but retaining the right to the final decision. You are the only one who knows what you are really thinking and feeling. No one else “knows you better than yourself.” They can’t; they aren’t you. Yes, you will make some mistakes along the way. That’s ok. Failure is part of maturity. If you aren’t failing at something, you aren’t learning and maturing. (If a young child just learning to walk falls, do you yell at them for not succeeding the first time? No, you help them up and cheer them on. Same for a child learning to ride a bike or learn to read or whatever. Have the same grace for yourself as you learn new skills.) Hopefully, those mistakes or failures won’t be too painful or cause too much upheaval for you. It is good to take these steps toward independence slowly and gradually, but some of us don’t have that luxury. If you can possibly arrange to have a safety net, do so. Find wise, caring, grace-filled people that you can trust to help you work through things and who will cheer for you as you need them less and less. Things certainly will go a lot smoother that way. If you can’t find people, then find books that will point you in the right direction.

I’m proud of you for learning to accept help from others. So many of us had to be the strong one, the one who helped everyone else. Now we have to learn to accept love and grace and help and finances and emotional support and knowledge and whatever else we need. Learning to receive is a crucial step in emotional maturity. The next step is learning to understand our needs and ask appropriately for help in meeting them. Don’t worry, eventually you will be able to give to others again. But for now, just learn to receive and enjoy the love others are giving you. Experiencing it is the best way to learn how to give.

There is probably more I could say, but I don’t want to overwhelm you. For now, know that I care about you and there are many others who care about you too; you are not alone. You can make it through this. You are stronger and braver than you know.

Love,

Someone who has been there

What is Abuse?

2011-09-21T09:13:00.002-05:00

Abuse is a hot, yet tender, topic. Nearly everyone would agree that abuse is horrible, unjustifiable, and devastating. Invariably, within a discussion of abuse, someone will bring up the question of definitions and ask, but what is abuse? Are we just throwing the word around, willy-nilly, and making false accusations? Are we slandering others using this emotionally-charged word? Shouldn't we drop this word and perhaps use something a little less alarming?

He has shown you, o man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you? But to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8

We are conditioned to consider abuse to be that which inflicts violence in the forms of rape, battery, beating, or extreme neglect. And yes, those are examples of abuse ~ yet they are not the only examples. Here is how the United States Department of Justice defines abuse. Please read carefully.

We define domestic violence as a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.

Physical Abuse: Hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, pinching, biting, hair pulling, etc are types of physical abuse. This type of abuse also includes denying a partner medical care or forcing alcohol and/or drug use upon him or her.

Sexual Abuse: Coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact or behavior without consent. Sexual abuse includes, but is certainly not limited to, marital rape, attacks on sexual parts of the body, forcing sex after physical violence has occurred, or treating one in a sexually demeaning manner.

Emotional Abuse: Undermining an individual's sense of self-worth and/or self-esteem is abusive. This may include, but is not limited to constant criticism, diminishing one's abilities, name-calling, or damaging one's relationship with his or her children.

Economic Abuse: Is defined as making or attempting to make an individual financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial resources, withholding one's access to money, or forbidding one's attendance at school or employment.

Psychological Abuse: Elements of psychological abuse include - but are not limited to - causing fear by intimidation; threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends; destruction of pets and property; and forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone regardless of race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels. Domestic violence occurs in both opposite-sex and same-sex relationships and can happen to intimate partners who are married, living together, or dating.

Domestic violence not only affects those who are abused, but also has a substantial effect on family members, friends, co-workers, other witnesses, and the community at large. Children, who grow up witnessing domestic violence, are among those seriously affected by this crime. Frequent exposure to violence in the home not only predisposes children to numerous social and physical problems, but also teaches them that violence is a normal way of life - therefore, increasing their risk of becoming society's next generation of victims and abusers. Sources: National Domestic Violence Hotline, National Center for Victims of Crime, and WomensLaw.org.
Source

These descriptions illustrate the mis-use of power and control over another person's mind, heart, and body. But there is another form of abuse, a spiritual one. A popular blogger recently observed that the term spiritual abuse is becoming increasingly wide-spread. I am thankful for this! It means that awareness is growing and when one is aware, he or she is more likely to be alert and able to discern warning signs. But what is spiritual abuse? Ezekiel 34 illustrates spiritual abuse in heart-wrenching prose.

“Woe to the shepherds of Israel who feed themselves! Should not the shepherds feed the flocks? You eat the fat and clothe yourselves with the wool; you slaughter the fatlings, but you do not feed the flock. The weak you have not strengthened, nor have you healed those who were sick, nor bound up the broken, nor brought back what was driven away, nor sought what was lost; but with force and cruelty you have ruled them.”

Another definition is offered by Watchman Fellowship:

Spiritual abuse is the misuse of a position of power, leadership, or influence to further the selfish interests of someone other than the individual who needs help. Sometimes abuse arises out of a doctrinal position. At other times it occurs because of legitimate personal needs of a leader that are being met by illegitimate means. Spiritually abusive religious systems are sometimes described as legalistic, mind controlling, religiously addictive, and authoritarian.

Conclusion

It is important to reach an understanding of words and what is meant when terms are used. But while one could argue definitions all day, please remember that meanwhile, there are some desperately hurting individuals in this world who need healing.

____

Recommended reading on spiritual abuse: The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse
Also see Elements of Spiritual Abuse, Spiritual Abuse in the Bible, Beating the Sheep.

Homeschooling Hijackers & A Few Other Links

2011-09-20T09:01:00.000-05:00

Today at Wartburg Watch is the first of a new series that might be of interest to my readers.

View Homeschooling Hijackers

A new site curated by a variety of individuals with diverse perspectives is called Rethinking Vision Forum.

View The Problem We See with Vision Forum

Blogger Tim Challies addresses a sensitive and alarming topic.

View Spiritual Abuse

Lewis Wells responds to a popular article.

View Small Steps in the Right Direction, But Still Behind a Veil (I love a comment from facebook: Sometimes the veil is ripped apart dramatically...most of the time, it's unravelled a few threads at a time. The Holy Spirit is faithful to reveal Jesus' glory!) Amen!

Revisiting a classic by Eric Pazdziora . . .

View Godly Authority: A Flight to Topsyturvydom

Have a blessed week!

Link Round-Up

2011-08-17T19:01:00.001-05:00

've come across some great reading over the past few weeks and wanted to share with you. Have you found anything inspiring lately? Or maybe written something especially profound? I'd love it if you'd add some favorites of your own in the comments!

On womanhood ...
I Was You Once

On homeschooling ...
Faith to Embrace Diversity

On patriocentricity ...
The Sins of Triviality and Partiality and the Curriculum that Promotes Them

On the “victim mentality” ...
My Personal Response to “Why Don't you Just Move On?”

On parenting ...
Possession Mistaken for Love

Midday Connection Discusses Spiritual Abuse in the Home

2011-08-05T15:40:00.000-05:00

humble and courageous “quivering daughter” recently discussed the issue of spiritual abuse and oppression on Moody Radio's Midday Connection. You won't want to miss her story and testimony of God's healing.

Personal note: I can't listen to this without tears.

A Gentle Reality Check for the Daughters of Patriarchy

2011-07-29T22:44:00.001-05:00

s I shared on facebook, I've wanted to address this topic for a long time. But while chatting with my friend Darcy, I realized that she was the perfect one to write about it instead. I'm including a teaser clip below, but please click the following link to view the article in its entirety. I couldn't be more thankful or proud of Darcy for this and truly believe that this reality check is sorely needed in the world of Biblical Patriarchy.

Darcy writes:

My husband's a trucker. I'm "alone" from about Sunday afternoon to Friday afternoon every week during the summer. I have to fend for myself and three kids. I sleep alone, a gun nearby, knowing there may come a night I'll have to use it (and trust me, I can use it better than most men I know). I have to make all the decisions on how to run my house alone. I have to be mature and interact with the world around me (including men and atheists *gasp*) alone. I have to be discerning all by myself, able to judge right and wrong, wise and foolish. If I break down on the side of the road, my husband isn't there to "protect" or rescue me. I have to deal with it as if I were single. I have to be strong and capable and mature and independent every single day. My husband leaves every week depending on me to be all these things and more. If I had an emergency, it could be 12+ hours before my husband could get to me. He didn't need a girl who needed to be coddled, needed someone to make decisions for her, needed to be "led" and guided in daily interactions like a child. He needed a mature woman who could handle an imperfect life. And it's a darn good thing that I didn't spend my growing up years thinking I needed a man to handle my life or come between me and the big bad world. I had to learn how to be a functioning part of society and take care of myself and others. My family's well-being depends on this.

I know girls who weren’t allowed to go grocery shopping, in a safe small town, without their dad or big brother for “protection”. They weren’t allowed to go anywhere without a man, for that matter. Their view of the Big Bad Men in the world they needed to be protected from has grown into a paranoia. They’re scared of their own shadows. They think all men are out to rape them or take advantage of them. And they truly believe they are gullible, weak, and cannot handle life on their own, because that's the line they've been fed all their lives. It's become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

As my friend, Christi, said in comment to this idea:

"This is exactly what patriarchy wants us to believe, that women are weak-minded things incapable of avoiding dangerous situation. I lived alone ...and I never found myself in a compromising position. And how would a predator know whether a woman lived at home with her parents, or with her husband, or lived "alone" (with roommates)?

And while we're talking about this, why don't people realize that homemakers are some of the most "alone" and vulnerable women out there? You seem to not realize that married young women have to do the exact same things that young women who are away at college have to do, and more. I have to go out and do my shopping alone, just like a college girl would (though I imagine that college girls get to carpool together). What's more, I'm even at home alone. I'm pretty sure that I'd really be better protected on a college campus since I'm alone during the day (and night, since my husband works until 11 PM) and have often had to interact with strange men, sometimes even inside my house, while my husband is at work. Apartment maintenance men, internet guy, phone guy, UPS man, door-to-door salesmen, etc. Oh, and it's usually my job to take our car in for repairs and oil changes. Car repairmen are actually pretty nice, or maybe it depends on where you go (which again, is simply a matter of making an intelligence choice).

I mean no disrespect to my husband when I say this but, he's really not here a lot to protect me because he's busy working a full-time job in addition to being a full-time student. My marriage license doesn't really afford me any more physical protection than I had when I was single."

Please view On Women and Protection to read more!

Recovering Grace: A Gothard Generation Shines Light on the Teachings of IBLP and ATI

2011-07-23T18:50:00.000-05:00

Introducing a new site that may be of interest to some Quivering Daughters readers:

You Have a Story

2011-07-22T09:53:00.004-05:00

My strategy to survive was to appease the soldiers and to make friends with them. I thought, if only we could make friends with these soldiers, then we would survive.

But porters can die at any time. For example, if a soldier got angry and just shot me with his gun, nothing would happen to him. I would just die, like a chicken or a rat. To Tanintharyi Division, they send 500 porters every year. Of the 500, only 72 porters make it back to the prison. If you survive, you survive.

I was a porter for nearly six months.

~ Lai Pa, 34-year-old man from Burma. Source: How to Use Stories to Change the World.

by Hillary McFarland

verybody has a story. Sometimes it's buried so deep we forget we have something to say. We wonder who would want to listen? And often it's so painful that reliving our stories through the telling process is such an overwhelming prospect that we squash it into oblivion.

Stories are like sculptures. They must be chiseled slowly, carefully. Creating art from a sprawling array of experiences takes time. And yet, this can be powerful. Redemptive. And part of a personal healing journey.

My book features many stories from women who share their experiences of setting out like Abraham into a land they do not know, a life they do not know. It's a tremendous act of faith to follow the prompting of God and leave all they've known behind, but these women are brave. Courageous. And I am deeply inspired by them. They are my heroes. And I continue to hear from others who do the same ... who leave all to take up their cross and follow God into the wilderness despite extreme physical and emotional hardship, rejection from their families, and the comfort of what they've always known. It is scary to walk by faith! It is agonizing to endure accusations, knowing that your act of godly obedience reaps judgments of rebellion, of feminism, of apostasy and worse from those you love the most.

It is in this pain, in this becoming, in this life journey, we find your story.

Jeff Goins says

God gave you something to say. Even if you don’t believe in this idea of a Creator who has an ultimate plan for the universe, there is something in you that knows you have a purpose. That there is more to life than just you and me and all our stupid, fleeting fancies.

(Yes, I just used “fleeting fancies” in a blog post. That’s how I roll.)

You have a unique voice with a unique message. It is called your story. And only you can tell it. ~ Jeff Goins, You Have a Voice

He hosts my favorite website for writers. He is encouraging and inspirational, offering fresh perspectives on the art of prose. He says that everyone has a story to tell. And he reminds us that:

To be an artist (a writer, photographer, painter, musician, etc.) is to suffer, but not without meaning. Not without purpose. To be an artist is also to create something beautiful that can alleviate pain. ~ Jeff Goins, Art Helps us Deal with Suffering

Some of the early drafts of my book Quivering Daughters were written in real time. For me, writing helps me to process. It's like lifting the lid off a pot of boiling water, allowing steam, and therefore pressure, to escape. It allows the rabid, frothy pain to dissipate so I can see what is really there underneath the surface of emotional reaction. It helps bring clarity.

My story, and the stories of my heroes, are real. They are told through our own unique perspectives. This is something no one else has. No one else can tell your story the way you can. But here is what I want you to take from this: when you share your story, with all of its nuances of light and dark, of pain and joy and heartache and victory and morning and shadow, when you flood your pages with vulnerability and crack open those deep, hidden places, there will be those who try to discount your experience because they had a different one. They have different eyes and don't trust your eyes. They have a different tolerance of pain. And they will dismiss you. They will try to re-write your story. Or edit it. Or tell you that you're wrong. Maybe even that you are lying.

You can't take my story away from me.

Here's the thing. God knows the truth. He knows the truth about your story, and that is what matters. Trust Him. He knows what your eyes see. Tell your story with confidence because you answer to Him, not to those who discount your thoughts and experiences and feelings. You don't have to defend the truth. Truth defends you. Be faithful to God's calling and trust Him. He is faithful.

If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God... John 3:20-21

Your story comes from your heart. It is a culmination of many things, but it gestates in your heart and you birth it, and it comes alive. Guard your heart. Keep it with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life. Don't give it away. Don't let your story be re-written by others.

What story do you have to tell?

What keeps you from telling it?

Finding Healing from Disillusionment | Guest Post

2011-07-18T07:00:00.015-05:00

by Elizabeth Wyse Cook

What do you do when someone you trust breaks that trust? When you find out that they are a hypocrite? When you finally realize that all the little things that didn’t quite make sense before, now make perfect sense, but in the opposite way you had hoped?

don’t know about you, but I felt lost. Disoriented. And hurt – deeply hurt. I totally believed the leader of the organization I was a part of. Why wouldn’t I? My parents believed a lot of what he said. What he said sounded logical. He seemed to have things all figured out. He claimed to have answers that no one else did to very common problems that people face. And his “answers” seemed to work. If they didn’t, it must be my fault, not his. I must not be doing it right. I must not be committed enough. I just need to keep trying, and then it will work.

I worshiped him, really. Of course, I would have denied any such thing. Everyone knows that you only worship God, not people, even really outstanding leaders. But in reality, I worshiped him. I believed every word. I believed the stories he told of the wonderful things God was doing through him and the organization. I wanted so much to be a part of those wonderful things!

Some things didn’t quite stack up, though. Why did the board of directors change frequently? Sometimes it was just one or two leaving and being replaced. Other times it was almost everyone on the board. Much later, I learned that the leader, according to the organization’s bylaws, can never be fired. So, while he claims to be accountable to the board, he really is accountable to absolutely no one. If one of the men on the board disagrees with the leader too much, the leader has been known to be sure they leave the board at the end of their one year term.

Unanswered Questions

Before I actually worked in the organization, I assumed that any problems I saw must be the fault of the underlings abusing their own power. Surely, if the leader knew what was happening, he would put a stop to it! I came to realize that these things were indeed coming from the top down. The leader would not put a stop to it unless it looked bad to people he wanted to impress. Reality was hidden, propaganda was disseminated, and the casualties were assumed to be the cause of the problem.

And I grew to wonder.

Why was I never good enough to be invited to take part in some of the wonderful programs going on? I would try harder to become more spiritual, hoping someday to be invited. I eventually came to peace with it being “God’s will” that I serve Him in obscurity. I later learned that only the pretty girls worked in the leader’s office. Not only that, but he had strong opinions on their hair style and dress, definite preferences on hair color and height, and was totally intolerant of them being overweight. Any girl who didn’t meet those expectations or take his suggestions on how to meet them would not be invited back.

Why did the leader defend sexual abusers and attempt to manipulate the people trying to hold the abusers responsible? Did he really not understand what was going on? I have yet to see him confront an abuser and defend a victim for any kind of abuse. More often, I have seen the abuser protected and the victim either dismissed or made to feel that the abuse was their fault. While the leader claimed to have answers for helping victims heal, it was really more like slapping a band-aid on a gaping wound.

When I eventually had a chance to work in the organization, more questions came. Why was the leader unable to accept even a hint of correction on an idea? Why did the leader refuse to allow any disagreement whatsoever? Could I really trust the leader to be infallible? I’ve come to the conclusion that it is not a good idea to trust someone who appears to be perfect.

Why did the leader claim he wanted us to do a job a certain way, but then do things that would prevent us being able to fulfill that expectation? Why did the leader seem more concerned with money issues than with meeting people’s needs? Why did the leader make promises that he never fulfilled, in fact, had no power to fulfill? I found myself having to protect the interests of those who were relying on my help, to the detriment of the leader’s pet projects.

Why did the leader surround himself with good looking young people rather than competent people? Why did staff members suddenly disappear with no warning (having been sent home) and no explanation? Why was the remaining staff always reminded not to “gossip” when this happened? Why did a few people leave the leader’s office suicidal after talking with him? Secrecy regarding the leader’s actions, but no secrecy allowed in the staff member’s lives – why? I began to wonder what there was to hide. There certainly were plenty of unanswered questions.

Why were long standing rules suddenly changed for appearances’ sake? Why was physical safety compromised in order for things to look good? For that matter, why did everything seem to be done for show? In spite of an emphasis on the heart and “root problems,” it seemed like all that mattered was how people perceived us.

Healing

So how is a person to deal with disillusionment? Honestly, I don’t have the answer to that. All I know is that God is leading me through a process that is helping me.

I realized that the person I trusted was not God. I stopped worshipping the person. I stopped believing the person, since he had proven he could not be trusted. I began to believe the reality of what I was actually seeing and hearing, not the propaganda. I began to take responsibility for my own decisions, rather than rely on the leader to make them for me.

I realized that God is not like the person I trusted. This is huge. God is not manipulative. God is concerned with the heart, not outward appearance. God loves me unconditionally, not based on my performance. God is patient; He doesn’t demand that I obey immediately without thinking. God welcomes questions. God loves to hear me tell Him about my problems; He will listen even though He already knows the answer.

I removed myself from the control of the no-longer-trustworthy person. I removed myself from the spiritual, emotional, and physical control. Thankfully, there was no financial control. I refused to allow the leader to “live in my head” anymore. In other words, I refused to keep thinking about what he would say/want/do. Instead, I started figuring out who I was apart from him and what I wanted to do. I started to figure out who I was in Christ, instead of who I was in the organization.

I began learning who God really is. God led me through the journey I described in my last post. In fact, I am still on that journey. I am learning to look at Scripture without the filter that the leader put on it for me. I am seeking God – the true God, not a human god.

I am healing.

____________

Eliza is a young woman who was burned by legalism, but then discovered that Jesus already kept the law for her. Her desire is to get to know Him better. You can contact her at elizabethwysecook(at)gmail(dot)com. You may remember Eliza from this article by Sarah Posner.

To Change a World | Guest Post

2011-07-15T10:58:00.002-05:00

by Melanie Anderson

unset Park is a little piece of fairytale on the coast of one of the Great Lakes, about twenty or so minutes from where I live. It looks like just a hill with the lake in the distance until you are a couple feet from the edge and realize you are standing at the top of a wall of rock falling to the thin rocky beach below. It is one of my favorite places to go to. It feels like, for a brief period of time, I can actually step into a fairytale world, or at least the Atlantic coast. I could sit on the edge of one of the crags or stand on the beach below for hours, watching the sun's journey towards the western horizon and thinking. Because the whole atmosphere is very conducive for thinking.

source

On a recent visit to Sunset Park, I decided to watch the sunset alone from the beach at the foot of the crags. It's a rocky climb down, but if you just find the right place, it's not to steep. I climbed down to the edge of the water and sat on a log that had, some time back, tumbled down from the height above. I watched the waves rushing towards my feet and then falling back again into the vast expanse of water, which, at our point in the lake, looks like it could go on forever to the edge of the world.

As I sat there at the edge of the water, my mind deep in thought, I realized what I want to do with my life.

The shore of the ocean or a natural lake is always changing. Occasionally a huge wave hits a shore and drastically changes it, but usually the changes occur slowly over time, by the work of small waves washing up and back one at a time. The waves rush up one by one onto the shore and then fall back, pulling bits of sand and pebbles with them. Slowly, the beach changes shape, the pebbles are rearranged, and over time, the rock and dirt erode. The crags at Sunset Park were formed, at least in part, from years of water washing up at the dirt and carrying it elsewhere. Even while I was there, the beach where I sat looked ever so slightly different by the time I left then it had when I arrived. And it made me think.

pacific ocean off highway 1

One wave doesn't do it all; they work together to change the shore they wash upon.

I'm only one life. I can't change the world by myself. But I can make what difference I can. I remembered a line from one of my favorite BBC miniseries, Wives and Daughters, where Squire Hamley tells Molly, “That's what we're here for, we're told ~ to leave the world a better place than where we found it.”

Many of us, particularly those from Fundamentalist backgrounds, have been laden with pressures to do great and huge things to be accepted by God and the Christian community. A missionary, a pastor's wife, or a prominent blogger and speaker is far better and far holier than being a teacher, a teller at a bank, or a secretary at a local business. But that evening, it dawned on me: instead of pining and wishing to be great and impressive, to change the world all at once all by myself (a task which is far too big for me), I can purpose to touch and change for the better each individual life I come in contact with, in however big or small away God sees fit. I don't have to do huge things like run a huge ministry in inner-city Chicago or become a famous missionary; I don't have to be canonized by the Catholics or biographied by the Protestants, in order to “not waste my life”. I can “live Jesus” ~ be like Him ~ living the same kind of practical love that he showed during his 33 years on earth. I can be there for the people right here that need someone to love them, and leave each person's world a better place than where I found it.

These thoughts were partially brought on by a conversation I'd been having with someone earlier, where I found out some more about the awful emotional, spiritual, and physical abuse some good friends had experienced at the hand of their dad (a deacon of a church) when they were growing up. It broke my heart to realize what they and so many other children have been through. Watching those waves and thinking about changing lives, and about these friends' lives, helped to solidify my desire to work with and be there for abused or neglected children (and adults), to stop abuse where I can (even that abuse which hides under the appearance of a “good Christian home”), to love those who don't get love at home, to be a haven and a ray of sunshine for someone in the midst of a stormy world.

I may not be able to stop all the abuse that happens in Patriarchal and Fundamentalist circles, but I can be there to help those who have been hurt by it, to encourage them and help them find hope, as best as I can, as others have done for me. And even if I can't do something huge or impressive, it is sometimes the small things that make the biggest difference. A kind word, a smile, a hug, just being there for someone, can mean so much.

I know from experience. During a devastatingly time earlier this year, there were a few individuals who were there for me, to listen to my fears, to encourage me to keep going, to point me to Jesus, to send “e-hugs” and tell me I was brave when I felt like my legs were made of jelly ... and it gave me the courage I needed to face one of the most difficult times in my life. There were even times when I was so lonely that I would feel like crying with happiness after been shown even the smallest acts of kindness, such as when a dating couple, who you'd think would be only concerned about each other, noticed me sitting alone at church and invited me to sit with them during the service ~ they made me feel like I was wanted, like I belonged. Even small gestures like that can mean so much. Just knowing someone notices and cares. Just knowing you belong. I want to provide that joy and sense of love and belonging for others.

I want to make a conscious effort, here and now, to reach the people right around me and love them and bring hope to their lives. I may not be able to change the world as a whole, but perhaps I can change someone's world. I may never become known as a famous “champion of the faith”, but what does that matter to the person who just needs a shoulder to lean on to get through a difficult time, who needs someone to love them? If I can make that person's world a little better than when I found it, in however small a way that may be, I will not feel I have wasted my life. And perhaps if all of us reach out where we can, in the realm of influence God gives us, touching and blessing the lives we come in contact with, we can, like the water in the ocean, change the world one wave of kindness at a time.

“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.”

~ Helen Keller

____
Melanie is a tender-hearted young woman with a passion for God and His daughters.

Garments of Salvation

2011-06-30T08:00:00.008-05:00

By Eric M. Pazdziora

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?”

—Jesus (Matthew 6:28-30, NIV)

Why do we worry about clothes? Ever since Adam and Eve’s sin made them ashamed of their nakedness, there’s something about the subject of clothing that makes people a little tetchy. Just ask, “Is it OK to wear this?” and everybody will chime in with an opinion until you’re too dizzy to care.

Jesus, of course, was talking to people who were worried about whether they’d be able to get any clothes at all, helping them remember God’s faithfulness to provide. Lots of other things make people worried about clothes, though. Am I overdressed? Am I underdressed? Is this tie too geeky? Will that skirt be too chilly? Is this too revealing? Will that cause a brother to stumble, or will he stumble on his own? Why exactly is it so horrible to wear white after Labor Day? And of course the all-time classic: Does this make me look fat?

Living under a system of rules is a great recipe for worry. Especially religious rules: if you have to do the right thing to glorify God, what if you do the wrong thing? Yet most Bible teachings about clothing are crammed with moralistic, rules-based readings of Scripture, especially once they get to “modesty.” I think we’ve missed the point.

One way to read the Bible, as I’ve described elsewhere, is to treat it as God's Little Instruction Book. You scour it to find out what it says on topics X and Y and Z, and then tell us the instructions we have to follow. That’s where most teachings on modesty seem to come from. “See? There’s a verse in the Bible with the word ‘modest’ in it, so you can’t wear that!”

That’s problematic. For all the fuss people make about it, the Bible’s instructions about modesty aren’t terribly concerned with clothes. The Greek word translated “modesty” (kosimos) just means “well-ordered,” like the universe or a good library. The only place in the New Testament it refers to clothing for women, details like fashion and cut and fabric aren’t discussed; apparently it’s more important that women “adorn themselves… with good deeds” (1 Timothy 2:9-10). It’s used only once more, about an elder’s moral character (1 Tim. 3:2), where it’s translated “respectable,” or “of good behaviour.” The Lord’s looking at the heart, and we’ve made it about the outward appearance.

These aren’t the rules we were looking for. If anyone thinks these verses say anything about skin or skirts or jeans or shoulder straps or dresses or shorts or swimsuits or necklines or hemlines or sunbonnets, they’re committing eisegesis—reading things into the Scripture that simply aren’t there. So if we treat the Bible as a book of rules about what to wear or not to wear, it comes up surprisingly short. “Dress reasonably” is fine as far as it goes, but it doesn’t go to any specifics at all. That’s not what we would expect if God was giving us an instruction book. What can we do?

We could play the part of the Pharisees, making up extensive lists of rules about what counts as “modest” or not, then enshrining them as “biblical principles.” We could become lazy legalists, checking hemlines with tape measures and calling it “an issue of the heart.” We could get all chauvinistic and tie it to the sin of lust, blaming the way men sin on the way women dress. (Never mind that James explains, “Each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust,” not “by what someone else wears.”) We could try to find a reasonable middle ground, invoking Romans 14, saying that Scripture expects us to come to our own conclusions based on our cultural context.

Or we could read the Bible the other way.

When we look at the Bible to find rules, as the example of “modesty” shows frustratingly well, it becomes a morass of vague, conflicting ideas and banal moralizing. We’re left trying to insist that our favorite proof texts are more definitive than they are, and facing strong temptations to legalism and pharisaism. Even if we found clear rules and laws, how could we expect to live up to them, anyway? As C. S. Lewis quipped in another context, this is “the discovery of the mare’s nest by pursuit of the red herring.”

The other way of reading the Bible is the way Jesus interpreted Scripture. It involves a simple, but very challenging, readjustment of the way we look at things.

What if the Bible isn’t a book of moralistic platitudes? What if there’s a bigger, bolder, more glorious theme that everything else in it points to?

And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, [Jesus] interpreted to them in all the Scriptures the things concerning himself. (Luke 24:27, ESV)

Jesus said that “all the Scriptures” have something to say about Him. A daunting claim, to be sure, unless of course you’re the Son of God incarnate. On other occasions He went even further, calling out the Pharisees on their elevation of the Bible above the Person it’s about:

You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; and it is they that bear witness about me, yet you refuse to come to me that you may have life. (John 5:39-40, ESV)

The Scriptures point us to Jesus. If we make obeying the Scriptures more important than seeing Jesus in the Scriptures, we’ve missed the whole point of the Scriptures.

Therefore the Law has become our tutor to lead us to Christ, so that we may be justified by faith. (Galatians 3:24, NASB)

If we don’t let the Scriptures direct us to Jesus in everything, even in what we think of as the Law, then we’ve failed to get the lesson the Law itself is there to teach us. God isn’t concerned with making sure we can check off a list of idealized behaviors. God wants us to— well, I’ll let Jesus say it:

Then they said to him, “What must we do, to be doing the works of God?” Jesus answered them, “This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent.” (John 6:28-29 ESV)

The “work of God” is singular: Believe in Jesus. Check.

When we read the Bible as a book that’s meant to point us to Jesus, we start to see the big picture. It’s the Gospel. We can’t possibly keep the Law, so Jesus came to die to set us free from sin and let us live by grace instead. By comparison, nit-picky moralistic rules about clothes seem paltry and trifling. Who cares about hemlines when you can look at the beauty of grace?

Yes, that one verse mentioned earlier says “modesty,” but it says it as an application of the idea that “there is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all” (see 1 Timothy 2:1-10). The point isn’t “Keep this rule.” It’s “Look at Jesus. Look at the salvation and mercy and redemption and reconciliation with God Jesus gives you in the Gospel. Show people the Gospel in the way you act. For instance, don’t act as though clothes are the most important thing in your life; that would be Jesus.”

This is where it gets really interesting. Although that’s the main verse people try (wrongly) to make a rule from, it’s not an isolated example. When the writers of Scripture talk about the Gospel, they start talking about clothes. Not legalistic rules about clothes—clothing as a metaphor for salvation.

I delight greatly in the LORD;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
(Isaiah 61:10, NIV)

Clothing is a persistent image of salvation throughout Scripture, from God covering Adam and Eve’s nakedness in Genesis to the choir of redeemed souls clothed in white in Revelation. It goes like this:

Our sin covers us in shame like dirty garments. Even our righteousness is like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6). And then we have to stand before the King. What could be more humiliating than showing up in the throne room covered in sewage? But the King has something to give us:

Then he showed me Joshua the high priest standing before the angel of the LORD, and Satan standing at his right hand to accuse him. The LORD said to Satan, “The LORD rebuke you, Satan! Indeed, the LORD who has chosen Jerusalem rebuke you! Is this not a brand plucked from the fire?”

Now Joshua was clothed with filthy garments and standing before the angel. He spoke and said to those who were standing before him, saying, “Remove the filthy garments from him.” Again he said to him, “See, I have taken your iniquity away from you and will clothe you with festal robes.”

Then I said, “Let them put a clean turban on his head.” So they put a clean turban on his head and clothed him with garments, while the angel of the LORD was standing by. (Zechariah 3:1-5, NASB)

We can’t clean our own clothes. Some stains don’t come out. So God gives us new clothes, clean clothes, garments washed white to cover our shame.

I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. (Revelation 3:18, NIV)

Salvation is a new beginning, coming home, starting over again. When the Prodigal Son came home, the first thing his father did was to show his welcome and forgiveness by giving him new clothes.

But the father said to his servants, “Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.” (Luke 15:22-24, ESV)

You were covered in ashes, mourning, despair, filthy clothes from a pigsty. God wants to dress you in beauty, gladness, joy— the garments of praise.

[God has sent me] to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair. (Isaiah 61:3, NIV)

You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.
(Psalm 30:11-12, NIV)

The message of the Gospel is that we don’t have to clothe ourselves with our own righteousness, religious efforts, or good works. We’re clothed in Christ Himself.

Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh. (Romans 13:14, NIV)

The message of the Gospel is that when we’re clothed in Christ, we become like Christ.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (Colossians 3:12-14, NIV)

The message of the Gospel is that in Christ all things are going to be transformed, changed, made new. Christ covers death itself with resurrection, immortality, and victory. At the end of things, we’ll take off our worn-out earthly bodies and be given new, immortal ones to wear.

Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed—in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.” (1 Corinthians 15:51-54, NIV)

That’s how the Bible looks when we read it as a book about Jesus. And we wanted to trade that for rules about “modesty”?

The truth is that you don’t have to worry about clothing. God will provide it for you.

You don’t have to worry about spiritual clothing either. You don’t have to worry about righteousness. You don’t have to worry about holiness. You don’t have to worry about being pure, being good enough, being clean, measuring up, being saved, having joy, being loved, being comforted, having everlasting life.

God gives you those, too.

Image Source

Eric M. Pazdziora is a regular contributor to Quivering Daughters. In his other time, he's a composer, author, editor, and pianist. His music includes an album of original hymns entitled "New Creation," featuring his wife Carrie on vocals, and an up-and-coming band called Thornfield. To hear Eric's music or to read more of his writings, visit his website at www.ericpazdziora.com.

Lies We Tell Ourselves About Abuse (And Other Things)

2011-06-28T08:52:00.002-05:00

t has been a busy year for Quivering Daughters. I am humbled and overwhelmed by the responses, both public and private, to my book. I want to thank everyone who has contacted me, prayed for, and written to me, as well as all who have shown support and shared concerns. I pray that the Lord continues to use the message He laid on my heart for women for His glory, and humbly ask that you continue to pray both for those who read this book and for those who encounter or promote differing viewpoints. May the Lord be glorified and His name be praised!

While by no means exhaustive, I'd like to offer a couple quick mentions: much appreciation to Gina Dalfonzo from BreakPoint for her review published in Christianity Today. In addition, Internet Monk is hosting an open discussion about the issues raised in my book if you would like to participate. I'm also deeply thankful to Lanier for her review on YLCF this past March.

And finally, don't miss these truly insightful links:

from Permission to Live:

Denial takes on many forms. It can look kind of like being a murderer in court, trying to convince the judge to let you off because you only killed one person, “At least I wasn’t a serial killer!” you protest. "I killed the guy with a gun, it’s not like I went after him with an axe!” The fact is, you are still a murderer, and you still have to deal with the repercussions of that.

Another example of this is sort of like the Pharisees’ prayer in the Bible where he prays, thanking God that he doesn’t have all the sins of other people all while completely ignoring his own sins. In this denial, you might say “I thank God that I wasn’t like those homeless children, at least I HAD parents. At least I am alive! I could have been one of those children who got killed by their parents, so I have it pretty good. I should be grateful.” You keep busy telling yourself what didn’t happen to you, so that you never have to face what actually did happen to you...

Please view "Lies We Tell Ourselves About Abuse" to read the article in its entirety.

And a guest post on Darcy's Heart-Stirrings:

Letter to a Family Considering Joining ATI

May God bless you all.

When Parental Obedience Brings Rejection | A Repost

2011-06-27T19:33:00.002-05:00

But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy...

1 Tim. 3:1-2

by Hillary McFarland

ave you ever had this Scripture quoted at you? With ominous emphasis on last days and disobedience to parents? I have.

I often hear from ostracized adult daughters who have made life decisions their parents believe are in disobedience (rebellion) to them and their teachings. Most of these women report that the difficult choices they make are a response to God's calling for them. Parents counter that God wouldn't ask them to do something that contradicts what they have taught and their understanding of Scripture.

Yet these same parents teach their children to obey God first, regardless of the cost, regardless of the suffering and sacrifice, regardless of what other people think. These same parents generally encourage their children to stay in the Word and ask God for wisdom. To grow in the knowledge of Him, take up the cross, and follow.

When these women obediently do so, they are condemned, emotionally (and sometimes physically) severed from their families, and rejected.

Disobedience, Really?

Scripture teaches that children are to honor their parents, but there is a difference between honor and obedience. Honor itself is not always a feeling. This article is not a criticism of parents who want to raise a godly family but it is a pointed look at the highly-confusing message some women (and men) struggle with in their adult life: which is that living life differently, having alternate convictions, or even reaching a different understanding of Scripture is equal to backsliding, rebellion, deception, or rejection of faith. For those who have prayed, studied, and carefully sought the Lord regarding their conclusions, this can be absolutely crushing.

Part of walking with God means to be bare before Him, asking Him to reveal sin in our lives and lead us in the way everlasting. Only the Lord knows the true motivations of our hearts. If there is an adult daughter who is in true rebellion and disobedience, there is still hope! However, honor and obedience notwithstanding, I submit that there is a lot less disobedience happening than some would have us believe.

Did your parents raise you to obey God? Did they teach you to follow Jesus? It's a hard life. Can a parent ever be truly prepared for this? Can we ever be truly prepared for this? Because this is the reality of a cross-bearing life:

Now great multitudes went with Him. And He turned and said to them, “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple. And whoever does not bear his cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it—lest, after he has laid the foundation, and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish’? Or what king, going to make war against another king, does not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? Or else, while the other is still a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks conditions of peace. So likewise, whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be My disciple. Luke 14:25-33

Did they raise you to seek first the kingdom of God? To be willing to go against the flow, to sacrifice? To take a stand? To question? To test all things and hold fast the good? To love God above all others, even when it hurts?

Encouragement for Living

Transitions are rarely easy, especially when it comes to issues of family and faith, individual (yes, individual) relationships with God, relationships with those we love, and sometimes the simple matter of growing up. It's hard for everyone. For women, especially those who do follow the Lord faithfully despite opposition, may I offer some humble encouragement?

Keep your words sweet, like the saying reminds us, because someday you might have to eat them.
Seek to be humble in all things.
Stay open to correction, because we can learn from everyone despite disagreement.
Find safe and trustworthy people with whom to fellowship, even if you meet for coffee once a week.
The art of boundaries takes time to develop, but ask the Lord to show you how! And keep firm, but gracious, boundaries.
Listen well. Pray without ceasing.
As much as depends on you, live peaceably with all. But follow Jesus first.
Trust God. Trust His love for you and His love for the ones you love.
Remember that parents and others sometimes respond like they do because they are genuinely afraid for you. Honor them and be thankful for their love. Take their fears to the Heavenly Father and ask Him if there is anything He wants to show you through them, and ask Him to comfort them also.
Endure.
Don't let the rejection you feel cause you to reject others ~ or to even reject yourself. Don't reject your sadness. Don't reject your pain. Don't reject your anger. Let God use these things, and the God-of-all-comfort will bring life in ways you've never expected.
Do not return "evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing."
Love.

It can be confusing and deeply hurtful to experience emotional or physical rejection, especially when you have ultimately done what was asked of you. It's hard when you reap 'punishment' for obedience, rather than disobedience.

But take heart that you are not rejected by the One who matters most.

How Healing Starts to Happen

2011-05-09T22:21:00.002-05:00

“not once,” i whisper. “not once did you or mum come into my room, sit on my bed and say sorry. not once did you ask me how i was doing; why i was hurting myself, and what you could do to help.”

Click here to continue reading How Healing Starts to Happen, written by my dear friend, Emily Wierenga. Honestly, I'm at a loss for words to sufficiently introduce this article. Parents of aching children and the aching children of parents can both find healing here. All I can say is ... please read her words. You will be glad you did.

The Journey

2011-05-03T06:00:00.005-05:00

by Elizabeth Wyse Cook

source

wish I could tell you the whole story of how God rescued me and healed me, but that would take at least ten posts. But I will say this. It was personal, intimate, and totally tailored to where I was each step of the way. God kept bringing the right friend, the right book, the right message, the right quote, the right mentor, or whatever I needed at exactly the right time.

So how did I get out of legalism? Two words: God & friends.

GOD:

Who knew my desire for Him

Who patiently waited for me to be ready

Who came to me

Who gently shone His light into my cell

Who gave me genuine choices

Who smiled at me

Who loved me no matter what choice I made

Who spoke without speaking

Who held me close while I cried

Who showed me my heart

Who walked with me every step of the way

Who promised to help me tear down the walls

Who promised to help me clean up the toxic waste

Who helped create beauty where there had been darkness and chaos

Who has never given up on me

FRIENDS:

Who loved unconditionally

Who looked beyond the walls to see the real me

Who loved me even when I hid from them

Who listened and listened and listened

Who gave when I was afraid to receive

Who gently insisted that I receive

Who validated pain

Who gently reasoned against slavery

Who gave me courage

Who cheered at the smallest progress

Who recommended resources

Who told me the truth

Who taught me that friends are essential

Who were real, not perfect

Who taught me to see beauty

source

I had a lot of fear when all of this started happening to me. I knew that something was wrong, but I didn’t know what. I had no idea what God would uncover in my life. I was afraid of pain, afraid of the unknown, afraid to lose control. However, I decided to trust God and let Him open whatever areas He needed to. He didn’t let me down; He was very gentle.

And, yes, there has been pain as well. Sometimes intense emotional pain. But it was never without the compensation of joy, sometimes overwhelming joy. I discovered that shutting out painful emotions also shuts out the positive ones. So as I dealt with the negative emotions, the positive ones became free to express themselves again.

This journey was not something that I accomplished. There were many times that I knew some area needed change or healing. At first, I would get frustrated and try to change it, but you can probably guess how well that worked. Eventually, I started learning to just rest and trust. To let Him work in His time. There were times that I would say to Him, “God, I know this area of my life is not good. Whenever you are ready to go there and clean it up, I am willing.” Then I would refuse to feel guilty and just rest and be ready when He came.

God isn’t done with me yet. That is the beauty of a relationship with Him. He never gives up on us!

____________
Elizabeth is taking a small break with writing and will return in a few short weeks. Please continue checking back to read more of her unique perspective. You can contact her at elizabethwysecook(at)gmail(dot)com. You may remember Eliza from this article by Sarah Posner.

The Bondage of Betrothal

2011-04-28T08:00:00.009-05:00

by Eric M. Pazdziora

One of the fundamental teachings of the Biblical Patriarchy and Quiverfull movements is the doctrine of “biblical courtship,” or “betrothal.” (My brother suggested the word “casuistries” instead of “teachings,” which is perfect except that I didn’t know it before, either.) This teaching has it that since a father is the head of the family, his children are completely under his authority—even for deciding whom they marry as adults.

Under this system, adult daughters or sons who presume to consider marrying somebody their patriocentric parents don’t approve of may be labeled rebellious against God and His plan for the family. It’s a classic case of bounded choice. Even though the doctrine purports to be motivated by turning fathers’ hearts toward their children, emotional trauma often ensues all around.

This isn’t about minors—I’ve heard this from men and women in their twenties or even older, still bound by parental authoritarianism. It’s a small step from “stay-at-home daughters” to “kept-at-home daughters.”

Let’s ask one simple question: Is that really what the Bible teaches?

The answer is this: God wants us to be free.

To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

They answered him, “We are Abraham’s descendants and have never been slaves of anyone. How can you say that we shall be set free?”

Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” (John 8:31–36, NIV)

If that seems like a non sequitur, just stay with me. Jesus came to set you free from all the things that try to enslave you, control your life, drag you into sin and bondage and slavery. It’s a paradox: When we give up control of our lives to Jesus, He makes us free.

Freedom is sometimes misconstrued as license to sin. Nothing could be further from the truth—Jesus gives us freedom from all the sinful things that used to control us. Freedom in Christ means that we no longer have to be controlled by temper, passion, greed, lust, envy, porn, legalism, works-righteousness, laziness, alcohol, drugs, pride, sex, career, vanity, ego, reputation, peer pressure, food, bitterness...

... or authoritarian religious leaders.

It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1, NASB)

The only way to be free is to follow Christ. Following anyone else is the way back to slavery. So anybody who sets themselves up as an authority to control your life is going against what Jesus wants for your life. You should be Christ-controlled, not others-controlled.

Godly leaders follow Jesus’ example in refusing to lord it over others:

Shepherd the flock of God which is among you, serving as overseers, not by compulsion but willingly, not for dishonest gain but eagerly; nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock; and when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that does not fade away. (1 Peter 5:2–4 NKJV)

Not that we lord it over your faith, but we work with you for your joy, because it is by faith you stand firm. (2 Corinthians 1:24, NIV)

False leaders, on the other hand, try to compel people to follow them:

[This matter arose] because some false brothers had infiltrated our ranks to spy on the freedom we have in Christ Jesus and to make us slaves. (Galatians 2:4, NIV)

One of the easiest ways to tell a controlling religious leader is that they’re ready to whip out the word “rebellious” right about this point. Right back at ya: Being concerned about people “rebelling” against you is a sign of pride and authoritarianism, and pride and authoritarianism are rebellion against God. People can’t rebel against their servants, only against their masters. But if you’re positioning yourself as anyone’s master, you’re trying to take the place of the Lord. You’re rebelling against His commandment to serve as He does.

But Jesus called them to Himself and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and those who are great exercise authority over them. Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave—just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” (Matthew 20:25–28 NKJV)

What does any of this have to do with courtship, betrothal, marriage? Plenty. The modern doctrine of betrothal, at its core, is the idea that parents should act as authoritarian religious leaders, controlling their adult children’s lives and decisions about whom to marry. In other words, they don’t allow them to be free in Christ.

But doesn’t the Bible say “Children, obey your parents”? “Honor thy father and mother”? Of course it does, and I’m not diminishing that a bit. I am, however, pointing out that the Bible does not say “Parents, exercise total control over your children, even when they’re adults.” You can honor someone and still disagree with them. Sometimes “We must obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29). The corresponding command for parents is “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21). What causes bitterness and discouragement? Authoritarian control, for one thing.

You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally. (Ezekiel 34:4, NIV)

Parents can certainly give their adult children advice and counsel and wisdom and guidance. But for them to manipulate and control their children’s lives is self-defeating. Godly parenting is the art of helping someone who’s completely dependent on you to not need you anymore. You’re like a mother bird who, as soon as the babies are big enough, pushes them out of the nest so they can fly. In fact, that’s exactly what the Bible says marriage is about:

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)

That’s the very first thing the Bible says about marriage—in the story of Adam and Eve, no less—and it’s the most widely quoted Old Testament verse on marriage in the New Testament (Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:7–8, 1 Cor. 6:16, Eph. 5:31, et cetera). Yet in my research, I found entire articles, entire websites even, on the subject of “betrothal” that neglect to mention that this verse exists.

Why would anybody trying to argue for a “biblical” doctrine of betrothal neglect the most significant verse in the Bible about marriage? Maybe because it undercuts their doctrine at the knees. “A man shall leave his father and mother,” not “a father and mother shall give a man permission.” “And be joined to his wife,” no mention of “provided her parents give consent.” And for that matter, “They shall become one flesh,” not “They shall become an authority and a subject.”

Does this really mean that a young man and a young woman have the God-given freedom to decide for themselves whom to marry? Well, believe it or not, that’s exactly what the Bible says.

One of the very few passages in the Old Testament that records what God said about people getting married (as opposed to the many that are historical records of what people did in the Ancient Near East, not commandments) is Numbers 36. If you think that God requires women to have “male coverings” or “parental authorities” to make decisions for them, you might have missed the story of Zelophehad’s daughters (as found in Numbers 27). See this article for a good overview.

Single women approaching God on their own without a father or any other male authority? Single women empowered to make their own decisions, get their own inheritance, have their own money, and work their own land? God taking their side and telling Moses and the elders that’s the right thing? In the Torah, even? Yep. It’s not modern feminism; it’s ancient Scripture.

Numbers 36 takes the story to the next level. The tribal elders brought Moses another question: who decides whom these single, fatherless women should marry? This was an issue because, since they were entitled to their own inheritance, marrying outside their tribe could have created economic instability. If ever there was a place in Scripture for God to set the record straight, to say “Well, ordinarily, parents ought to decide whether to give their daughters in marriage,” to tell them to find a male authority to guard their hearts and arrange their betrothal, here it is. And here’s what God said:

“This is what the LORD commands concerning the daughters of Zelophehad, ‘Let them marry whom they think best, only they shall marry within the clan of the tribe of their father.’” (Numbers 36:6, ESV, emphasis added)

“Let them marry whom they think best.”

Not whom their parents think best. Not their grandfather. Not their father’s brother. Not their pastor or priest or rabbi. Not their fiancé. Not even Yente the matchmaker.

“Let them marry whom they think best.”

The only stipulation (“within the clan”) was for economic purposes, to make sure the inheritance stayed in the tribe (Num. 36:7). We might compare the New Testament’s advice that Christians should marry other Christians (1 Cor. 7:39). That doesn’t mean that we’re not free to make our own decisions, just that we ought to make wise decisions.

“Let them marry whom they think best.”

It isn’t selfish to decide for yourself who is best to marry. It takes wisdom, intelligence, thoughtfulness, humility, trust. For believers, it takes prayer and reliance on God’s guidance. Nobody else can think for you. Nobody else can rely on God for you. Nobody else can decide who is best for you to marry.

The patriarchs themselves knew this. The story of Isaac and Rebekah (Genesis 24) is often held up as an ideal of parentally arranged marriage, though as noted, it’s a historical account that nowhere suggests it’s a model for anyone else to follow, any more than the historical accounts of Hosea or David or Samson or the rapacious Benjaminites. Right in the middle of it, though, is this exchange:

And they said, “We will call the girl and consult her wishes.” Then they called Rebekah and said to her, “Will you go with this man?” And she said, “I will go.” (Genesis 24:57–58, NASB)

If people wanted to live the way the biblical patriarchs did, they’d give their daughters the freedom to decide whom to marry. That’s what the Bible says, anyway.

The idea of freedom to choose a spouse carries over into the New Testament in 1 Corinthians 7, of all places. This chapter is often twisted to argue for the false doctrine of parental control over daughters’ marriages. You’d think the complete absence of the word “daughter” from the chapter in biblical Greek might tip people off that that’s a mistake. If you take the chapter as a whole, it is self-evidently an exhortation to embrace any situation you find yourself in—singleness, marriage, separation, whatever—as a chance to follow the Lord’s direction.

Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches. (1 Corinthians 7:17, ESV).

You should follow the Lord’s direction if He wants you to be single. You should follow the Lord’s direction if He wants you to marry. The one thing you should never do is let anyone else set themselves up as the Lord:

You were bought with a price; do not become slaves of men. (1 Corinthians 7:23, ESV)

In fact, that's one of the advantages of singleness—it leaves you more free to follow the Lord's direction on your own:

The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. (1 Corinthians 7:34, NASB)

If the presuppositions of betrothal were true, then surely that verse should say, “The woman who is unmarried is concerned about the things of her father.” It doesn't. An unmarried adult woman answers only to the Lord.

And according to this chapter, who decides whom a woman should marry? There's only one verse in the whole chapter that addresses that question at all. (It's about widows.) Here's what it says:

...she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. (1 Corinthians 7:39b, ESV, emphasis added).

That sure sounds familiar. Paul is directly applying God’s commandment from the Torah—“Let them marry whom they think best”—to New Testament believers. It was true then, and it’s true today.

So, what about the people who insist they should control this decision for others? The New Testament has severe words for them:

The Spirit clearly says that in later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons. Such teachings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron. They forbid people to marry and order them to abstain from certain foods, which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and who know the truth. (1 Timothy 4:1–3, NIV, emphasis added)

The Holy Spirit foretells that certain false teachers will abandon the faith. They follow deceiving spirits and doctrines of demons. They are hypocrites and liars. Their consciences are cauterized. You can tell these demonically deceived apostate hypocritical liars because they… forbid people to marry.

Yes, it really says that.

Notice the verbs “forbid” and “order.” These hypocritical apostate false teachers are setting themselves up as authorities over people. They order them around and decide what they can and can’t do. You see it in cults and high-control groups where the leaders insist on control over members’ marriages or force everyone to be celibate. You see it in patriocentric families where parents insist on control over their adult sons’ and daughters’ marriage.

The issue isn’t marriage or celibacy. It’s abuse of authority. It’s taking away the freedom we have in Christ.

They forbid people to marry.

It’s wrong. It’s sinful. It’s evil. It’s perverse. It’s apostate. It’s demonic.

That anybody presumes to set up as a “biblical” doctrine the idea that they have authority to control somebody else’s marriage—what God created to be pure and joyous and freeing and loving and a cause for thanksgiving—is nothing less than heresy and blasphemy. You cannot believe that doctrine and believe the words of Scripture. You cannot practice that doctrine and still have a clear conscience before God. You cannot follow that doctrine and follow the leading of the Spirit. You cannot trust that doctrine and still have faith in Christ. If you believe otherwise, repent.

Following Jesus is about living in freedom.

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. (2 Corinthians 3:17, NIV)

Sure, for parents, freedom can invoke the fear of the unknown—what will happen to my children if I don’t control them? What if they want to marry some serial murderer?—but that’s where faith comes in. You train up your children in the way they should go, and the way they should go is walking in freedom after Christ on their own, living in wisdom and liberty and self-control.

But the goal of our instruction is love from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith. (1 Timothy 1:5, NASB)

Sure, for young people, freedom can be daunting—what if I never meet anyone? How do I know he’s the one? What if God wants me to be single?—but again, it’s a chance to strengthen your faith. You wouldn’t need faith if everything was easy; you wouldn’t need God’s guidance if everything was clear. You learn it by doing it, and you get it by asking for it:

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. (James 1:5, NASB)

That goes for parents and children and adults and everyone else. Follow Jesus, love your neighbors, have faith in God who will guide you and give you wisdom. That’s the truth, and that will set you free. You are free in Christ. You are free indeed.

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me,

because he has anointed me

to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners

and recovery of sight for the blind,

to release the oppressed,

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

—Jesus (Luke 4:18-19, NIV)

Some Further Reading:

- Daughters-in-Waiting: Adult Daughters at Home—Hillary’s deep wisdom for dealing with life in an authoritarian situation.

- The Over-Controlled Adult Child—Ibid.

- Zelophehad's Daughters—Cynthia Kunsman gives a run-down of an Old Testament account that shows how “biblical patriarchy” isn’t all that biblical.

- Betrothal: God's Best for You?—Pastor James Thorpe argues passionately that the system of betrothal combined with bounded choice amounts to forced marriage, which isn't just contrary to God's will, it's a human rights violation.

- Betrothal and the Work of the Flesh—SisterLisa describes her experience helping her teenage daughter make wise decisions about relationships while rejecting the false teachings of betrothal taught by her former cult. (A response to this post.)

- The Jewish Way in Love and Marriage—A fascinating exploration of how Hebrew interpreters have understood the OT passages about marriage, courtship, and betrothal. If you think it looks anything at all like the modern “biblical patriarchy” movement, you’re in for some big surprises. From “Under Much Grace.”

- The Joke Was On Me—Lewis Wells’ gut-wrenching first-person account of what courting a P/QF betrothal-indoctrinated woman really looks like in practice. (Not pretty.)

- Godly Authority: A Flighty to Topsyturvydom—In which Jesus says that having authority is about refusing to exercise authority.

- How God Guides—R. A. Torrey provides a marvelously useful biblical theology of God’s guidance and how to get it. (I once recommended a certain young lady read this, and now we’re married, so there you go.)

Eric M. Pazdziora writes words and music. The music includes a brand-new album of hymns about grace entitled "New Creation," featuring his wife Carrie on vocals. To hear the music or to read more writings, visit his website at www.ericpazdziora.com.

The “Joy” and Power of Guilt

2011-04-26T06:00:00.002-05:00

by Elizabeth Wyse Cook

by Kiery King

Humble and proud.

Guilty and righteous.

Loving and judging.

They sound like opposites, don’t they? Maybe that is because they are. However, during my time with the organization, they often were so mixed that I was a bit confused as to their meaning.

It was totally unacceptable to be proud, of course. So we would do various things to make sure we stayed humble. Sometimes this meant doing things to humble ourselves (menial chores, obeying an authority when we didn’t want to, or asking forgiveness even if we weren’t really wrong). Sometimes it meant inwardly berating ourselves for our weaknesses and sins. Sometimes it meant letting someone else berate …er… encourage us. On the other hand, it could mean flaunting our humility - sharing a story in such a way that everyone listening could see how humbly we had behaved. But of course, we could never actually claim to be humble either, because that would be pride.

Did it matter whether we really were humble in heart? Well, no, not really. Supposedly it did, but what really mattered was that we looked humble to those around us, especially our authorities. This could lead to two extremes, and they could both be true at the same time: self-loathing and/or secret pride in our “humility.”

We also knew that we were supposed to be righteous. That meant doing all the right things and being sure to follow all the rules – written or unwritten. There were a lot of unwritten rules. Our “righteousness” was judged by outward things: clothing, hair style, what emotions we let be seen, how hard we worked (genuine productivity might or might not be included in that), how faithfully we attended meetings and nodded at the right points, etc.

Failing in any of these areas, we would feel guilt. If we didn’t feel it on our own, we would be sure to feel guilty and ashamed after being rebuked. Sometimes this rebuke would come from people around us, sometimes through a sermon or a talk by some authority figure, or from something we read in Scripture. Often the Scripture we read would not really be condemning us, but because various words had been given different or extended meanings (programming), we often took it that way. For example, we might read about Abraham letting Lot have first choice of the land. Rather than rejoice that Abraham had been so giving towards Lot, we would feel guilty because we had disagreed with someone the day before. False guilt, yes, but we didn’t know that.

This weird relationship between righteousness and guilt led to something that I still have great difficulty describing. But we actually came to look forward to and delight in times of heavy guilt. It felt to us like we were making progress spiritually if we were being “convicted” (i.e. condemned and shamed). We could then “repent” and ask forgiveness of whoever we had wronged and be considered to be at a higher spiritual level afterwards. The shame would be accompanied by an adrenaline rush and then a peace after things were resolved. If we weren’t regularly being “convicted” about things, then how could we prove our humility in listening to the Lord?

Most of the time it was considered shameful to have problems. But in situations like I described above, there was actually a glory or an honor in having a problem and “resolving” it. This was especially true if, in the process, we became committed to a “higher standard.”

All these high standards, of course, eventually led to us looking down on those who didn’t or wouldn’t live up to our standards of outward conduct. We didn’t call this judging, though. We called it “discernment.” We could discern (in “love”) that other people had problems that we could help them with. All we had to do was convince them to do things the way we did. If we could just get them to conform, that would really prove our higher spiritual status.

What a mess!!! If you are thinking that this resembles the Pharisees, you are correct. I definitely was a pharisee. I was sure that I was part of a very special group who would get very special blessings because of the very special commitment we had to following God’s ways.

I remember so clearly the first time I read Romans 14. I was in the middle of a situation where I was trying to get others to conform to my convictions. I read it, blinked, and re-read it. Paused, took a deep breath, and read it again. I thought sure God had it all wrong.

“Now accept the one who is weak in faith, but not for the purpose of passing judgment on his opinions. One person has faith that he may eat all things, but he who is weak eats vegetables only. The one who eats is not to regard with contempt the one who does not eat, and the one who does not eat is not to judge the one who eats, for God has accepted him. Who are you to judge the servant of another? To his own master he stands or falls; and he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.” Romans 14:1-4 NASB

Wait. God is calling the brother with higher standards the weaker brother?!?!? I was taught that the one with the higher standards was the stronger brother. I was stunned, incredulous, disbelieving. It couldn’t be. But God had said it. And God said I wasn’t to judge others. God was going to make sure the weaker…er…*cough* stronger brothers would stand as well as the others? Well, ok, maybe.

I memorized that chapter, thought about it a lot, and struggled to believe it. At the time, I was not able to shift my belief totally, but the concept that God doesn’t want us demanding that others live up to our expectations became a seed deep in my heart. It lay dormant for many a year, but did bear fruit eventually.

Now, I understand that humility is not something that earns me anything. It comes as a result of seeing how much God loves me even when I totally mess things up. Righteousness comes from Jesus. I have none of my own. But He lives in me and does right through me. My job is to listen to Him, not to make rules for myself. Love is my only rule. Judging right from wrong is now based on what is loving, not on superficial things like appearance.

“But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire compassion, and not sacrifice,’ for I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
Matthew 9:13 NASB

God desires compassion. Not the sacrifice of higher standards, more commitment, or greater works. Compassion. Love God. Love people.

_____

Mind Renewal

2011-04-25T07:41:00.003-05:00

“In their zeal for producing godly offspring, many well-meaning parents insert themselves in their adult children’s lives in ways that are deeply inappropriate and hinder them from growth and maturity. Addressing the effects of this does not mean they are inherently bad parents or that we aren’t loving or loved. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. Healing from over-control and surrendering to the transformation of the Holy Spirit in our lives is crucial to our growth —because it is when we walk in the Spirit that we will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh. Our parents (or pastors, husband, and friends for that matter) cannot walk in the Spirit for us.” —The Over-Controlled Adult Child

In this perverse world, it's important for kids to understand their personal boundaries. "It's not okay for someone to touch you there," a parent might say. Teaching a child how to keep her body safe involves understanding what is off-limits to others. "This part belongs to just you," she learns. "It's private and no one else is allowed to look at you there. If someone asks or tries to touch you, you scream as loud as you can and run away."

Owning and protecting those private places are essential for healthy personhood. Violations are horrific, often causing lifelong pain, injury, and trauma to the body and the heart—as well as legal repercussions for offenders. But we have other areas that need owning and protecting, too. Other parts of us just as private and personal. We can choose, at appropriate times and for legitimate reasons, to allow ourselves to be influenced by safe people, but self-control is important enough to God to be included in Scripture along with love and faith, the fruit of walking in the Spirit. Therefore it should be important to us.

Stewardship

As we adjust to adulthood we should already have a healthy understanding of self-responsibility (which includes our cognizant reliance on God). However if we do not transition, through loving guidance, into a proper, functioning self-control in our early adult years, it can become increasingly difficult over time. With an upbringing steeped in authoritarianism, this can be especially hard ~ but not impossible. Recognizing this and taking responsibility now will make all the difference for the future.

Over-control, or when those in our lives take over the areas God gives us as our responsibility (or when we do this to others) is serious. Norm Wakefield illustrates from a spiritual perspective why this is dangerous:

Until Marty has a relationship with Jesus, his parents must teach, train, and demand honor and obedience (Eph. 6:1-4). However, once the Holy Spirit indwells him, Marty should be taught to walk by the Spirit in relationship with the heavenly Father. As Jesus told his disciples, "Do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven" (Matt. 23:9). As a son starts to walk by the Spirit, an earthly father should encourage his son's decision-making and guidance to come from a personal relationship with the heavenly Father, not himself. To the degree that the father makes the decisions and dictates the lifestyle of his believing son, to that degree he hinders his son's spiritual life. A father's role should decrease just as John the Baptist's role decreased when Jesus appeared (John 3:30). —The Curse of the Standard Bearers

As His creation, we belong to God and yet He gives us stewardship over our own hearts, our bodies, our souls and our minds. These things belong to us. We alone answer for them on Judgment Day. What we answer for, especially where our soul and matters of eternity are concerned, is in our jurisdiction and should not be taken away from us. It's critical to be self-controlled, and when others seek inappropriate degrees of control they hinder the work of the Spirit in our life.

It's no wonder that Jesus calls us to love God with all we've got, with every fiber of our being. “And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength...” When the ability to do these things of our own volition is taken from us, we must make right this aspect of our lives in order to be whole.

The answer to over-control is found in Romans 12.

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. (v.1)

"You" present yourself. Your parents, pastor, husband, and friends cannot appropriately present your body as a living sacrifice. How this looks will be different for everyone, which makes it crucial to hear God's voice and will for your life.

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. (v. 2)

Being conformed means to be squeezed from the outside—which is undue influence or control, whether we allow it, or whether it is projected onto us. Transformation, however, comes from within and is a direct result of walking in the Spirit. Look again at verse 2:

And [you] do not be conformed to this world, but [you] be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

When we are filled with the Spirit and walk in Him, He is the One who renews our minds for the purpose of living in obedience and proving the perfect will of God. Yet when we are hindered by others who insist that we follow their will, or their ideas of what is good and acceptable and perfect, we won't be able to prove God's.

We cannot serve two masters.

The pivotal point in that verse is the renewing of our mind. Only you with the Holy Spirit can renew your mind. God doesn't force Himself on us. For us to be free from the effects of an authoritarian life, healing from mind-control is crucial ~ for where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.

adapted from a post in the archives

The Fifth Mile

2011-04-19T06:00:00.010-05:00

Continued from here, featuring guest contributor Elizabeth Cook.

by Elizabeth Wyse Cook

e are probably all familiar with the “second mile” principle. Jesus, referring to the law that a Roman soldier could require a Jewish man to carry his heavy backpack one mile in any direction, said, “Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two.” Matthew 5:41 The Jews had no choice but to obey it or face the wrath of the Roman government. If the soldier wanted a rest, the civilian had to carry that pack. And I doubt that all the soldiers were considerate of the direction the civilian was headed or of the load he was carrying for himself.

image source

I’m sure we have all heard explanations of why Jesus said this. The one I’m most familiar with is that when we are forced to do something we don’t like, we can change our attitude about it by doing more than is required. And we might even get a chance to witness to the “soldier” in the process because he will be so shocked at our choosing to help longer than we have to.

However, what often happened in my experience was that the “second mile” became commonplace. As someone told me, “The second mile is totally expected. We have to go the third, fourth, or even fifth mile” to get approval. As I thought about that, I realized it was true. No longer were we appreciated for doing normal chores. We had to give up our free time to do extra chores. No longer was a met deadline good enough. We now had to meet the deadline even though the necessary materials were delivered late. No longer were we praised for finishing the job. We were expected to finish it in shorter and shorter amounts of time.

When it becomes commonplace to work late, to cut sleep short, to arrive early, to look like a model every day, to work without pay, to be enthusiastic over every new idea, to have no free time, could it be that something is not quite right?

I was taught this “second mile” principle. (Actually, at some point, it was changed to going the “extra mile.” I think the logic was that sometimes there are more than two miles to go, but I don’t remember for sure.) I also taught the “extra mile” principle; it was one of the “keys to obedience” that we taught the children. I am no longer sure why. I don’t know what “children obey your parents” has in common with an unjust law requiring servitude.

The second mile, by definition, must be a choice. It can never be expected or forced or presumed. Otherwise, it becomes a ridiculously long first “mile.” And I believe God has something to say about changing weights and measures for our own gain.

Wouldn’t it be a wonderful environment if everyone was genuinely appreciative of everything that was done for them? Maybe even appreciative of the first mile, but especially of the second mile? I have been in environments like that. I’ll admit; I sure enjoyed them more.

Something that I was shocked to learn is that not every choice is a genuine choice. I thought I was making the choice to go the extra mile. And sometimes I was. But when the extra mile becomes expected, the choice starts to have some unusual consequences. When the choice is choosing the extra mile or being branded a rebel, is that really a choice? When the choice is going the extra mile or facing disapproval or shunning, is that really a choice? When the choice is going the extra mile or being threatened, is that really a choice? When the choice is going the extra mile or losing your job, is that really a choice? If your choices are a) yes, b) yes, or c) yes - is that really a choice? No, it is called bounded choice. You only have choice within the boundaries set by the one in control.

Here’s an example. We were told that we could choose what kind of smile we wanted to wear. 1. A joyful smile – smile because we were happy. 2. An obedient smile – smile because we had been told to. 3. A ministry smile – smile because it would help others feel better. But not smiling was not an option. If we were having a down day, we were not permitted to show it.

By definition, a choice is not a choice if all options are the same thing. Neither is it a genuine choice if you are given two seemingly equal options, but you know without being told that one of the options comes with major negative consequences.

It was amazing to me that when I was given genuine choices, I wanted to go the extra mile, even when it was in no way expected! When I was no longer exhausted from trying to keep up with “fifth mile” expectations, I actually had the energy to do special things for others and enjoy doing them. And when I stopped expecting the “fifth mile” from others, I was able to be grateful to them when they were willing to help in any way. It made the relationships in my life much more harmonious. Loving people for who they are rather than what they do is definitely more fulfilling!

___

The Healed Will

2011-04-17T12:41:00.003-05:00

Thought for the day:

od doesn't break our hearts.

God doesn't break our wills.

He heals them.

____
Do you have a story of how God has healed your heart and will? Please share!

The First Step . . . Down

2011-04-12T06:00:00.004-05:00

... continued from here.

by Elizabeth Wyse Cook

I was so excited! I was old enough to go to the seminar that had changed my parents’ lives! I was a tad bit nervous too; after all, I was a young teenager and this was a big event with hundreds of people attending. I would be expected to act like an adult. But it sounded like a lot of fun as well.

Wide-eyed, I went with my dad through the line to get my workbook. Then we settled into our seats and listened. To me, the material was all brand new. I listened with all of my being, trying to absorb it all (which is of course impossible to do the first time around). I scribbled furiously, trying to keep up with all the notes. When I got behind, my parents let me look at their books so I could catch up. During the break, my parents and others assured me that with this new workbook, taking the notes was easy; a lot was already filled in for us. Back in “the old days” there was no notebook, only paper.

As I listened throughout the week to all that was shared, I began to see one big theme, although I could not have put it into words at the time. If you want good things in life, then you need to do the right things. If you do wrong things, you will have trouble. Yes, that is a very simplified version, but that was the basic message. I certainly didn’t want all the bad things that were described, so I decided to do all the good things that had been talked about. Then my life would be good. And if undeserved bad things did happen to me, then they would somehow turn out to be really good. Isn’t that what God had promised in all the Scriptures that were quoted?

I was a “good girl.” I didn’t like conflict. I was generally very compliant and good-natured. Just before attending this first seminar, I had been beginning to think that I should start making more of my own decisions. After all, I was growing up, wasn’t I? I was starting to long for more freedom and more choices. However, after listening all week to the seminar, I pretty much changed my mind. I definitely needed my parents’ help in making all my choices. I wanted to follow God; I sure didn’t want to be under Satan’s control!

At some point in the week, all those who were attending for the first time were told that we were being prayed for by at least one person who had attended before. I was rather awed at the thought. Someone was actually praying for me during this week? It made me want to be extra sure that I didn’t miss something God wanted to say to me.

In the subsequent years, I attended quite a few seminars. At each one, I learned more. I would go home determined to try harder to live up to all the wonderful things I was learning. I knew I was still failing – a lot. But I was sure that I could make it eventually.

If only I had known. If only I had known that I would never “make it.” If only I had known how damaging trying to be perfect would be to my soul and my relationship with God. If only I had known how much pain that perfectionism would cause me to inflict on others. But I didn’t know. Not for many years. So I kept trying.

I always looked forward to attending various conferences sponsored by the organization. These were not the beginner level stuff that the seminars had. They were for those who had worked hard to implement the things we had learned in the seminars. They were more focused on helping us to be the absolute best so that we would be a light to all those who hadn’t discovered all the wonderful truths that we had.

Conferences were a highlight of the year for me. It was a time to be inspired. A time to meet other people who were similar to me – people who had similar views on what God expected of us. It was a time to wear the uniform and be part of a peer group (the only time that we were allowed to be in a peer group for the most part). It made me feel important to be part of such a large group who were doing great things for God.

Conferences were also exhausting. We would be in sessions all day and evening. There was never quite enough time to sleep or to do much socializing, especially if we had younger children in the family. A few sessions had printed handouts, but often, we just scribbled frantically in our blank notebooks. There really was no time to think or compare notes in detail with others while there. We were always running from one thing to another. But I enjoyed these events immensely! They were a wonderful break from routine.

We heard about what God was doing in various aspects of the organization. It was exciting! Lives were being changed. Problems were being solved. New opportunities in new cities or countries were announced and prayed for. New teachings promised ever more righteousness which would result in more happiness.

Each year, there was a new theme at the conferences. It was the organization’s theme for the year. For years, I felt like I had to keep up with and work on whatever the new theme was. Often, I didn’t feel like I had mastered the last year’s theme yet…or the year before that. There was the mounting pressure of needing to work on multiple things at once. After many years of this, it finally occurred to me that perhaps God’s focus for me in any particular year might be different than the organization’s theme. Perhaps God wanted me to continue thinking about the previous year’s theme. Or (this was really hard to believe), perhaps God had a totally different theme for me. Something not even close to the organization’s theme.

Many years later, I learned that I didn’t have to keep trying harder and harder to do everything right in order to please God. Jesus had already done that for me. There is no way I could ever do enough to please God. But Jesus perfectly pleased His Father. God doesn’t look at my pitiful version of “righteousness” anymore. God now looks at Jesus’ righteousness when He looks at me. And I accept that with a heart full of gratefulness.

I no longer try to be perfect. Instead, I focus on how much Jesus loves me unconditionally. If I’m looking at His smiling face, it is pretty hard to be grumpy with other people. Instead of a multitude of rules covering all areas of life, I now have just two. Love God. Love people. Yes, they are actually much harder to keep than the longer list of outward performance. But they are so much better. Instead of trying to control myself and others, I can just love. I don’t have to get results; I can just love. The change from trying to trusting was not quick. Neither is it complete yet. But God has promised that He will complete the work He has begun in me.

___

Puzzlement : Introduction

2011-04-05T06:00:00.055-05:00

Hillary's note: Starting today, the next several Tuesdays will feature a guest contributor, Eliza, sharing her experience with a conservative organization prominent within the homeschooling subculture. You may remember Eliza from this article by Sarah Posner.

Puzzlement

by Elizabeth Wyse Cook

was bewildered. A friend of mine, whom I highly respected, was being “sent home”.
(Fired.)
I was hurt. I was upset. I just couldn’t understand it. How could this be happening? It sure wasn’t what I expected. He worked for a Christian organization that promoted godly living in all areas of life. He had faithfully performed his duties. He cared for his co-workers. He cared for the people he served. He worked hard. He lived above reproach. He was loved by those who interacted with him. Now he was leaving, and not by his choice.

What was his crime? Had he failed secretly? Had he neglected a critical duty? Had he done something inappropriate? No. None of those.

He had disagreed with the leader.

Not even really disagreed, just refused to say that he agreed 100% with the leader. He agreed about 95%, but that wasn’t good enough.

After seeing how my friend was treated, I seriously thought about leaving the organization but he urged me not to. He said that God was using this event in his life, and that I was still needed there. I watched him in the days following his dismissal. I saw how he handled such a painful rejection. I saw something in him that I wanted - something I couldn’t define. Something that assured me that God was indeed very close to him. He had a relationship with God that I had occasionally seen before, but had no idea how to get.

     So I stayed.
     I stayed long enough to see more of the same type of thing happen.
     I stayed long enough to see the leader for who he was. A leader that I once respected so highly that I believed everything he said. He was a leader who was easy to respect. He talked about having high ideals. About not giving in to weakness and sin. The stories he told were impressive; how people had found answers to life’s problems through following his advice. It all looked fairly simple. He made things seem so clear. He really cared about people, listened to them, and sent them away with changed lives. At least, that is what he said.

When things didn’t turn out so well, he would wait until he figured out what went wrong and how to fix it. Then he would share the story. Until then, knowing the unsolved problems wouldn’t help us, so he wouldn’t bother telling us. He only wanted to share things that would be beneficial to us, not things that would discourage us.

I wanted so much to be a part of the wonderful things that were going on. I wanted to be able to help other people the way he did. Who wouldn’t want to help people solve their problems and live a successful life? I hated seeing people struggle with hard things in life when the answers appeared to be so simple to implement. Not easy to implement, my friends and I told each other, but definitely simple.

However, getting to work in the organization didn’t happen when I first wanted it to. Since working there happened pretty much by invitation only, I thought at first that I just wasn’t good enough yet. God must have things He still wanted me to learn at home. I was taught that if I couldn’t get along with members of my family, then I wouldn’t be able to get along with anyone else either. So I focused on trying to get along with those around me. But I did it in a non-relational way. I hadn’t yet learned that when you are trying to be perfect, you can’t relate to other people. That would come later – a long time later.

When I finally did begin to work in the organization, things didn’t wind up being how I expected. The leader tended to get really big ideas and expect everyone to put all their energy into those ideas until he got the next big idea. It was hard to do my job (which I loved) while keeping up with all the new ideas.

Another discovery was that if you were trusted, you could get away with almost anything. But if there was any suspicion about your character, you wouldn’t be able to get away with anything. Every detail of your life would be subject to scrutiny until you repented sufficiently to be trusted again or until you were sent home.

I did learn some good things while in the organization. I learned how to serve people and not despise menial jobs. I learned a lot of practical skills that I still use today. I learned to be less shy. And I also learned that rules are not the answer to all of life’s problems.

I’d like to tell the story of how I became involved with this organization, how I left, and how God isn’t who I thought He was. Actually, He is so much better. So much bigger. And, yes, so much harder to understand.

___

The Alluring God

2011-04-01T11:14:00.006-05:00

... because sometimes we ~ I ~ need reminding ...

by Hillary McFarland

he Word speaks: Let there be light.
The earth crowns, the will of God who says let there be life, and we crown into light.
Fresh and new and shy, our baby hands clutch mama-skirts to hide when others look at us. But soon we run, we run around like wild things who worry not what others think; we climb trees while hair frizzes a golden halo and our cheeks blush like apples and our toes peek through sneakers. But we don't mind because we are six or nine and we sing at the top of our lungs that the hills are alive with the sound of music, and they are ...

Years collect like memories, like photographs; we grow fifteen and shy while hills grow quiet. Hearts blush like maples in fall, but every hair is in place and hands smooth our own skirts and we hide behind trees instead of perching in them.
We grow old in soul. Melody is memory as feet shuffle dust and we strain to hear and see the One who spoke the dark :: light, who breathed into lungs the light of life. We are tired and hungry; we ache, and our face is etched with the fine tip of years. Our heart is carved up and arms are weary and why do we even try?

Therefore, behold, I will allure her,

Will bring her into the wilderness,

And speak comfort to her.

I will give her her vineyards from there,

And the Valley of Achor as a door of hope;

She shall sing there,

As in the days of her youth,

As in the day when she came up

From the land of Egypt.

Hosea 2:14-15

Do not be afraid of the barren place, of the wilderness, for God spills holy into ground and brings His light to dark, His life to dead, and living water to the waterless. He breaks Egypt's arms and yokes us with His grace; He builds His temple from abandoned ruins and dwells there, with the lowly of us and the weak, the foolish, the base, and the despised. The forsaken He gathers close and He makes dry bones dance and turns desert to wine and collects tears in crystal and He loves you!

image source: www.sxc.hu

You see the back of her
Because she faces Jesus.

You see her while she walks away
Because she follows Jesus.

You see her on a lonely road
Because few find
The narrow way that leads to life.

You see her, perhaps, half-dead

Because she is in the business
Of dying everyday.

You see her forsaken

Because she has left all

to follow Him.

You see her struggle along the way

Because she takes up her cross.

You see her lost

Because she loses her life

To be found by Life.

You see her in a wilderness
Because that’s where God

Plants vineyards.

(hosea 2)

Oh beloved, this is the place where trees clap hands like joyful little children! Where the hills are alive with the sound of music and He makes our feet like the feet of a deer and sets us on high places because we love Him because He loves us and behold, old things have passed away and all things have become newly birthed ...

... from the womb of mercy.

_____
The She Speaks Conference is about women connecting the hearts of women to the heart of our Father God. I am His handmaiden and my heart is to serve Him and His beloved daughters, as He leads. Would you like a scholarship to this conference? Please visit this post at A Holy Experience to discover an opportunity for you to serve our Father in this way. I just discovered this last night so many apologies at the last minute posting. And many thanks to Ann Voskamp for making this opportunity available.
Humble thanks to the God who woos me to the desert ~ may it be to me according to Your word.
___
This post is an updated offering from the archives.

Who is Your God?

2011-03-28T11:03:00.005-05:00

by Hillary McFarland

“I'm okay with Jesus.
It's God I'm not too sure about.”

or many daughters of patriarchy, God is an imposing figure. Why wouldn't He be? His name is the one attached to doctrines of men. He is the why behind many destructive religious lifestyle choices. From the earliest crusades unto today's authoritarian Christian family, some form of God's name, character, or command is mis-used and misapplied with devastating results.

In the hands of a sinner, God is a dangerous weapon.

My will be done?

Of course, we are all sinners with the capacity to use God's name in vain to serve ourselves. For the one, however, who grew up literally threatened with God, experiencing Him as a tool of manipulation and control, of behavior modification, force, and cruelty, God is a destructive force who breaks hearts, crushes life from the spirit, and leaves us without hope.

The adage is true: actions speak louder than words.

Despite lifelong biblical messages of God's love and salvation and grace, the imprint left on hearts by God-in-the-everyday becomes what is true. It becomes what is lived, believed, and known. It shapes our theology and our faith.

The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. (John 10:10a)

God becomes the enemy.

But what about ...

Yes, God is a holy God. Holiness cannot look upon the unholy; otherwise, it is no longer pure. This requires a set-apartness which drives many well-meaning Christian families to often seek unworldliness through a type of lifestyle or external behavior. To become a peculiar people. What makes someone peculiar? What would you say, or your family say? Is it to be different?

For the grace of God that bringeth salvation hath appeared to all men, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world; looking for that blessed hope, and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Saviour Jesus Christ; Who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity, and purify unto himself a peculiar people, zealous of good works. (Tit. 2:11-14, KJV)

Do we redeem ourselves?

Do we purify ourselves?

Can we make ourselves holy?

On the contrary, our Holy God came in flesh and took on our unholiness so that we might take on His life. He redeems us ~ so lived redeemed! He reconciled us ~ so lived reconciled! He sets us apart and makes us holy ~ so be holy! When we seek holiness anywhere other than resting in the finished work of Christ, we are, as Lewis Wells states so fittingly, stitching up the veil.

Worse, we testify by our lives that Christ died in vain.

So who is your God?

Chad Holtz, a pastor recently removed from his church due to doctrinal differences, writes:

“We become what we worship. A God who demands sacrifice to be appeased is going to form a sacrificing people. A God who is angry and vindictive is going to form angry and vindictive people. A God who divides and conquers is going to form divisive, competitive people.” http://chadholtz.net/2011/03/28/losing-a-job-is-worth-this/

Jesus says: I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. (John 10:10b) Paul reminds us that ...the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. (2 Cor. 3:17) King David writes,

With the merciful You will show Yourself merciful;
With a blameless man You will show Yourself blameless;
With the pure You will show Yourself pure;
And with the devious You will show Yourself shrewd.

Jesus tells us that He has come to set at liberty those who are oppressed, heal the broken-hearted, give sight to the blind, proclaim liberty to the captive ~ you are free! So live free! ~ and to preach the gospel, the good news to those in need of good news.

Holtz asks with poignancy,

How beautiful are your feet to the people who hear the news you bring?

To your children? To your husband? To your wife? To your neighbor? I humbly suggest that:

your good news will reflect your God.

The portrait of God

If there is destruction, heartache, hopelessness, and despair in your midst, look to the source. The enemy destroys. Jesus came to bring life, liberty, healing, grace and truth. Is His spirit at work in your heart and home?

John 14:7-9a

“If you had known Me, you would have known My Father also; and from now on you know Him and have seen Him.” Philip said to Him, “Lord, show us the Father, and it is sufficient for us.” Jesus said to him, “Have I been with you so long, and yet you have not known Me, Philip? He who has seen Me has seen the Father ... ”

____
Recommended reading: Equally Loved Leads to Humility by Sisterlisa

Grace Makes the Imperfect ... Holy.

2011-03-25T16:29:00.003-05:00

by Hillary McFarland

a repost from the archives

don't sew much anymore, but when I was six years old, a thoughtful gift from my mom ~ a cookie tin stuffed with my very own red pincushion, thread, buttons, and delightful squares of fabric ~ launched several years of me curling up on my bed, trailing awkward stitches in whatever scraps of calico I could find. I spent hours at Wal-mart looking at rows of colorful cotton, imagining everything I could make with the materials. I loved to create things, to bring beauty and joy using ribbon and satin, rosettes and yarn, muslin and batiste.

As I grew older and perfectionism set in, this affected my sewing as well. Unhappy with the slightest pucker in a hem, I'd rip the whole thing out and start new, fresh. Even though no one else could see interior seams, the slightest fray that I knew was there grated on my mind like nails on chalkboard, prompting me to devour a book from the library on Sewing the Perfect Seam and then transforming simple patterns into French couture ~ on the inside, at least. Sometimes, when projects became hopelessly befuddled and beyond [perfect in my eyes] repair, I abandoned them to my little sisters who gleefully added them to their own collections. It got so bad that at one point, sentimental me-who-keeps-everything threw away the very first project I made with my birthday sewing kit: a floppy little dolly which I thought was dreadfully ugly.

But my mom saw something in her I didn't, fished her out of the trash, and stuck her away in a special place.

_______________________

The thing about perfectionism is that it eventually leads to burnout. It's tough to gather motivation for a new project when we know how draining it is to complete it to standard. It's hard to keep "fighting the good fight" when every day we fail to measure up. Perfectionism becomes a ruthless master, killing, stealing, destroying, and ravaging our lives. Aghast at the efforts of the Galatians, Paul exclaimed, "Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh?" (3:3) Yet perfectionists try, and try, and try ... growing physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually fatigued.

I made her all by myself
when I was six.
My floppy dolly with crayon eyes and lips.
Thank you, mom.

The truth is that God commands us to be holy. Holiness and perfection are not necessarily the same. The sacrificial lambs were required to be perfect, without spot or blemish. The Sacrificial Lamb was holy, set apart, sanctified. For those raised within authoritarian, high-demand, performance-based, image-conscious households, understanding grace comes at a personal cost because our very ideas of faith, goodness, and biblical living are wrapped up in how godly and righteous we can be. Yet what does God say?

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in your weakness."

Perhaps what we run from most, in ourselves, is what God wants for His glory?
Isn't this the personification of perfectionism: us running from our weaknesses, our failures, our unfinished seams? And in the arduous quest for perfection, are we unwittingly running from grace?

I believe that until we can stop striving for perfection and rest, trusting in the One who justifies the ungodly, grace will remain elusive. Because grace is found through brokenness, through mistakes, through ugly things, through a little dolly swept from the trash bin by a mother who understood something I had yet to learn.

Grace makes the imperfect . . .

holy.

Here is an encouraging post from Serena Woods. Have you read anything about grace lately that you'd like to share?

An Ultimate Question: Will God Protect My Kids? (by Brant Hansen)

2011-03-24T08:00:00.001-05:00

Eric's Note: Brant Hansen is the host of the Christian radio program "Mornings With Brant," which, unlike some other Christian radio programs, includes irony, accordion playing, and actually talking about Jesus. This recent post from his blog falls into the latter category. For those of us who are overly familiar with Patriocentricity or other systems of doctrine that exalt "biblical family values," this is a bracing, blistering, and devastatingly comforting reminder of what faith is really about. Brant's blog, which I enthusiastically recommend, can be found appropriately enough at Brant's Blog. Many thanks to Brant for his kind permission to reprint this article here. (Source)

------------

My dog growled last night and I thought of this question and decided I'd ask you.. My husband travels a lot (like 2 weeks a month) and so I am home alone with my two babies, my dog, and my two cats, and all the scary noises and shadows that make you wonder how safe you really are.. I normally follow my dog's lead when I get worried as his hearing is better and he is very protective of us.. I read a prayer book to my babies at night (just a collection of prayers) and a couple of them contain "Protect my family", "watch over us", etc.. but here's my hiccup.. God lets bad things (horrible things) happen to good people.. to HIS people.. People are raped and murdered every day so how is trusting God to keep us safe supposed to happen?? Yeah, Daniel may have walked through a den of lions unscathed, but I'd be willing to bet Stephen felt every stone that was thrown at him.. So how do we sleep at night knowing the world is full of evil and that sometimes (a lot of times) that evil hurts good people?? Just wondering what your thoughts are on this topic..

Amy

Amy,

Okay, here are my thoughts, such as they are. And I hope you don't mind the picture at left. I have no idea who that is. I just like putting pictures next to blog entries. Thank you. But back to the question, and I think a LOT of people are asking it, even if not out loud:

As a dad, I think the answer to this is scary.

And this may not be true for you, it may not be exactly YOUR inner conversation, but the conversation can go something like this:

Honest question: If I am a good Christian, and have faith and stuff, will God protect my children?

Honest answer: He might. Or He might not.

Honest follow-up question: So what good is He?

------

I think the answer is that He’s still good. But our safety, and the safety of our kids isn’t part of the deal. This is incredibly hard to accept on the American evangelical church scene, because we love families, and we love loving families, and we associate Godliness, itself, with cherishing family beyond any other earthly thing.

That someone would even challenge this bond, the primacy of the family bond, is offensive. And yet...

Jesus did it. And it was even MORE offensive, then, in a culture that wasn’t nearly so individualistic as ours. Everything was based on family: Your reputation, your status -- everything. And yet He challenges the idea my attachment to family is so important, so noble, that it is synonymous with our love for Him.

Which leads to some other spare thoughts...

We can make idols out of our families.

Again, in a “Focus on the Family” subculture, it’s hard to imagine how this could be. Families are good.

But idols aren’t made of bad things. They used to be fashioned out of trees or stone, and those aren’t bad, either. Idols aren’t bad things, they’re good things, made Ultimate.

We make things Ultimate when we see the true God as a route to these things, or a guarantor of them. It sounds like heresy, but it’s not: The very safety of our family can become an idol.

God wants us to want Him for Him, not merely for what He can provide.

As wonderful as “mother love” is, we have to make sure it doesn’t become twisted.

And it can. It can become a be-all, end-all, the very focus of a woman’s existence. C.S. Lewis writes that it’s especially dangerous, because it seems so very, very righteous. Who can possibly challenge a mother’s love?

God can, and does, when it becomes an Ultimate. And it’s more likely to become a disordered Ultimate than many other things, simply because it does seem so very righteous. Lewis says this happens with patriotism, too.

Mother-love, even when disordered, and placed before a desire for God Himself, always looks perfectly justified. And that’s why it’s deadly.

Children are truly gifts from the Lord. And, still, God wants us to want Him for Him, not His gifts.

This is the whole point of “trust”.

We say “I trust Jesus”, or “Trust in the Lord, and...” and all that stuff. But here’s where the words actually mean something.

What if... the worst happens? Do you still trust Him? Do you believe it’s really the end of the story, if it does happen? Isn’t that the point of trust, itself, is that you’re stepping into mystery?

Job is the classic example. He had no idea what was going on, and he was left with only one thing: His trust in God, Himself. He did not know the big picture, and yet he believed... there has to be a picture, here, and it’s one that I can’t see. As we know from the story, he was right. There was a backstory, he just didn’t know what it was.

Do we really believe that God is good, and will ultimately set things right? The real “trust” comes, I’m afraid, when what we think is “right” in our present reality doesn’t happen.

------

Not long ago, my wife and I visited the mom and dad of a little girl who was the victim of an unspeakably horrible crime. A relative was in their home for Thanksgiving, and went on a shooting spree, concluding with deliberately taking the girl’s life while she slept in her bed.

We sat in the little girl’s room, days after the shooting. The dad sat on her bed, and pulled down a beautiful, embroidered picture that was on the wall above it. He was crying, and pulled down the picture, and showed the back of it to us.

He still thinks God is good. Somehow.

“I feel like we’re only seeing this part right now, where it looks like chaos,” he said. “But someday we’ll see the front, where the stitches make more sense, and it will be beautiful. It doesn’t make sense, but I have to trust God.”

There are those who would say he’s naive, but I think this is the very essence of trust, and the whole point of it.

We see dimly now, and we know in part now, but we will someday see it all. This is trust.

And one last, radical thought:

By becoming a Christian, we say we are giving our lives to Christ. If that’s true -- if we’ve given our lives to Christ -- we’ve given it all. Everything.

And if that’s true, it includes -- and boy, is this tough to say, as a dad -- it includes our very children. They’re His.

No one can take anything, or anyone from His grip. They can take from ours, but not His.

So watch them sleep, and thank God for them, and know that they’re on loan. He loves them, more than you, even. And whatever happens, He’s got the big picture, we don’t.

That is trust.

Not sure if that helps... but those are some thoughts, for what they're worth...

Best,

Brant

Just As You Received Christ...

2011-03-03T19:52:00.006-06:00

by Eric M. Pazdziora

Suppose you asked someone what the Gospel is: how does a person receive salvation in Christ?

How would you respond if the answer was...

“The Gospel is the good news that we have to keep all of God’s Laws and rules, because there’s no salvation apart from trying hard to do good things. By really making an effort to live up to the Bible’s teachings and principles, we can become good enough for Jesus to save us. Salvation is the reward you get for living a godly life, being devout, and having good values and morals. You won’t be saved if you don’t do enough good things. If you’re good enough and totally committed to the Lord, you’ll be saved and make it to heaven, maybe.”

I can tell which of you went to Sunday School, because you’re the ones bouncing out of your chairs and yelling, “Heresy! Legalism! Salvation by works! False Gospel!” Very good; you get a gold star. As even a child can learn from the Bible, salvation is not by our works but by God’s grace through faith in Christ. Perhaps you know some of the verses about it by heart:

For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. (Ephesians 2:8–9)

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16)

…if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. (Romans 10:9)

Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved…. (Acts 16:31a)

Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost. (Titus 3:5)

I could go on and on. If by chance any of this is new to you, then stop right here and go investigate what the Bible says on the subject of salvation by faith (you won’t find a better list of verses than R. A. Torrey’s), along with a good simple explanation of how to receive it (again, here’s R. A. Torrey. I haven’t quoted him nearly enough lately). Seriously, go do it right now. The rest of this will still be here when you get back.

Clearly, believing that you receive Christ by your own good works is missing the whole point of the Gospel, invalidating the work of Jesus, and ignoring some of the clearest teachings in the Bible. Jesus died to save us because we couldn’t save ourselves. We can’t be our own saviors, so God became our Savior. He did all that was necessary; we just trust Him. As my pastor once remarked, “The Gospel is the Good News, not the Good Advice. It’s the story of what God did, not something we have to do.”

So here’s the thing. If the Gospel means that we receive Christ by God’s grace through faith alone, not by works at all…

…then the Gospel also means that’s how we’re supposed to live the Christian life.

“Therefore as you have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him.” (Colossians 2:6, NASB)

Don’t miss the structure of the sentence. Everything depends on the little words “as” and “so.” It’s a statement of correlation: As it is with A, so it is with B. What’s true of the first part is true of the second. The way you do one is the way you do the other.

The two things here are (A) receiving Christ Jesus as Lord, and (B) walking in Him, namely a transparent metaphor for living your life in Him. As you did A, so you do B. The way you received Christ is the way you live in Him.

So how did you receive Christ Jesus as Lord, again? Was it by following biblical rules or principles for living? Was it by avoiding sin and worldliness? Was it by trying hard to be spiritual, pious, and holy? Was it by having sound doctrine and good theology? Was it by having positive family values? Was it by doing all the religious things you’ve been told you need to do? In short, was it by works?

No?

Then that’s not how you walk in Him.

You received Christ Jesus by faith.

You received Christ Jesus by realizing you were powerless to do it on your own.

You received Christ Jesus by giving up trying to do it yourself.

You received Christ Jesus by believing He could do it—and did do it—for you.

You received Christ Jesus by letting go of your own attempts to be good and trusting that He was all you needed.

You received Christ Jesus by faith like a little child.

So that’s how you walk in Him.

It’s so easy to miss this. Sometimes we even seem to want to miss this. Maybe we prefer things to be more complicated. Maybe we want to feel like we get some reward for our good works. Maybe we want to feel superior to all those sinners who don’t know how to lead a holy life. Maybe we think it isn’t fair that sinners get the same deal as righteous people. But then that’s probably how we felt about salvation before we first received Christ. That’s how we feel when we don’t like the Gospel.

The early church in Galatia had the same struggles. Paul wrote to them (a bit testily) making the same point: the Gospel is all one piece.

You foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? Before your very eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed as crucified. I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by believing what you heard? Are you so foolish? After beginning by means of the Spirit, are you now trying to finish by means of the flesh? (Galatians 3:1–3, NIV).

The questions are obviously rhetorical. Well of course we didn’t receive the Spirit by keeping the Law. That would be legalism, salvation by works, a false Gospel. We saw Jesus as crucified for us, and we believed in Him, and that was that—it was completely a work of the Holy Spirit, not of ourselves.

Well then, says Paul, it’s plain foolish to believe that you start the Christian life by trusting in God alone and continue it by doing good works. “After beginning by means of the Spirit, are you now trying to finish by means of the flesh?” You already know your own righteousness is insufficient to get you saved; why do you think it’s sufficient to help you walk? You already trusted in the Holy Spirit to save you in Christ; why not trust in the Holy Spirit to make you live in Christ?

Salvation is not just beginning a membership in the club of Christians. Grace is not just what gets you in the door. “Saved by grace” is like saying “Alive and breathing.” Sure, that’s the beginning of your life, but it’s also the rest of your life. You don’t stop breathing just because you’ve already been born; you don’t stop trusting in God’s grace because just you’ve already been saved. It’s either all of grace, or it’s none of grace.

But if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works; otherwise grace would no longer be grace. (Romans 11:6, ESV)

It’s like living. It’s like growing. It’s like resting and quiet and stillness and peace. It’s like a branch on a vine. Which is exactly what Jesus has been saying all along:

Abide in Me,

and I in you.

As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself

unless it abides in the vine,

so neither can you

unless you abide in Me.

I am the vine,

you are the branches;

he who abides in Me

and I in him,

he bears much fruit,

for apart from Me you can do nothing.

(John 15:4-5)

Bill Gothard and Patriarchy: Re-routed Feminism?

2011-02-28T06:00:00.006-06:00

by E. Stephen Burnett

Many mysteries are revealed in human marriage.

I sort of knew that in theory even before my own, and of course have seen it even more in person. There’s that whole mystery of showing-Christ-and-His-Church, on which marriage is based (Ephesians 5). And of course, there’s the oft-discussed re-discovery of your own flaws.

But then came an even more stunning discernment: that many who’ve claimed to be meek and submissive wives, and who inform others of this in books and blogs, might be just the opposite.

It was while reading these kinds of blogs that my wife noticed this, and summoned me to see.

“Isn’t it strange,” she remarked, “that in all these websites about Keepers At This-and-Such and Titus 2 That-and-All, it’s the women who do most of the talking?”

And together we began to wonder: is this movement truly about “submission” anyway?

More recently, none other than Bill Gothard, who is in many respects the godfather of today’s “patriarchy,” seems to have given voice to a previously unvoiced rule. Asked via phone whether Gothard teaches a wife’s submission to their husband’s authority, the elderly organization leader laughed and insisted he doesn’t. But what he said next is stunning to those who wish to seek the truly Biblical concept of submission, which should point not to ourselves but to Christ Jesus:

“[Jesus said] he who is the greatest among you be the servant of all. That makes the woman the greatest of all because she has served every single person in the world by being in her womb.”

— from “Taliban Dan’s” Teacher: Inside Bill Gothard’s Authoritarian Subculture, Sarah Posner, ReligionDispatches.org, Feb. 16, 2011

Gothard’s corruption of Biblical texts is legendary among those who’ve rejected his jargon-intensive, computer-programming-esque approach to following God’s rules for a better, more spiritual Christian life. Yet this is one of the worst exploitations of Scripture he’s had thus far.

And it seems to prove my wife’s and my discovery: that for those oblivious to Biblical grace, who see Jesus mainly as a means to moral advancement, sin can infest even their “submission.”

Passive-aggressive ‘patriarchy’

Both my wife and I grew up in homeschooling households, in which our parents did not follow the patriarchy paradigm. Yet naturally we heard about it in these circles. Some of us (cringes while raising my hand) might have even once suspected this would be the most Spiritual way to live. But further research, and especially reading Scripture in the ways God meant it to be read, has shown us that these notions are wrong about God Himself, and hurtful to Christ’s people.

For years we’ve enjoyed keeping up with divergent views marketed as “Christian.” This includes beliefs that add to the Gospel of God’s-Son-sacrificed-for-sinners, as if bonus values are equally as vital as the truth that only God can raise rebels from the death we’d have under the Law.

Thus we’ve read from the patriarchy bloggers who write reams about how a wife must support her husband, do everything for him, and lovingly put up with all his comical incompetence and idiosyncrasies — as if the man can’t do much if anything without her help.

And slowly we came to realize: for whatever reason, the amount of women activists promoting what they see as “Biblical patriarchy” seems to far surpass the male bloggers who’d encourage the same.

This led to a new suspicion that at first may sound absurd: is this “patriarchy” primarily a female-led movement? Surely that is self-contradictory! Why would a woman want to put herself under a system of notions that violate Scripture’s plain meanings and emphasis on what Christ has done (not first on what men and women should do) and also result in women being suppressed in a family? Why would she intentionally subject herself to such control?

That’s why, since our initial thought, we’ve modified our premise. Whether men or women are the loudest voices among patriarchy-pushers isn’t the point. Rather I contend this: “patriarchy,” as defined by many professing followers, does not even include truly Biblical submission. Instead, this system at its core, from the start, is based in re-routed feminism.

Feminism, of course, is a patriarchalist’s prime bogey. Our world is feminized, they say, and we must strive to oppose such ideas. Here I need not even touch on that issue; it is beside the point. Instead I point to a patriarchy activist’s prime directive. What is his/her basis for belief and action? Instead of be like the Christ Who died to save you, it’s do all you can to be unlike The World. Not delight in God’s ways. Not come to Me and I will give you rest. Not work out your salvation, knowing it’s God Who works in you for His good pleasure (Philippians 2: 12-13). Instead they build on an innately flawed, anti-Biblical foundation: avoid, react, strike back.

Naturally this leads to overcorrection. If the world is 95 percent feminist, and the church almost as bad, we need not bother about opposite errors. This also means sin is surely easier to avoid, based on external factors: wearing pants, not wearing head coverings, sending your children to public school, having only two children or less, enjoying pre-marriage dating.

But insidious sins, the same I’ve seen accepted in patriarchy blogs and books, are not noticed.

- Claiming your husband can’t fulfill his family “vision” without your help: arrogance.

- Laughing at his dopey antics in your be-a-Titus-2-wife book, while claiming to honor and “submit” to him anyway because of the greatest humility you can muster: arrogance.

- Writing an entire essay praising your husband’s achievements in ministry work, in order to win him secular recognition for being the manliest manly-man, and not only failing to mention Christ at all (?!) but ultimately drawing equal attention to one’s self: arrogance.

In these, patriarchalist activists reveal their re-routed feminism — something whose arrogance and male-bashing they outwardly disavow, but inwardly believe and even promote to others. This is self-contradictory and self-deceiving, but it’s the natural result of basing one’s beliefs on an anti-this-or-that instead of on Christ’s grace.

Thus sin sneaks in, deviously, coming not from exterior Things but interior heart-sourced sludge (as Jesus warned the Pharisees in Mark 7). While some may beware the Devil in a bra-burning, corporate-climbing short-haired Something Out There, he instead takes the form of an angel, perhaps not of light, but wearing denim skirts and hair coverings, keeping long hair and keeping children at home, passive-aggressively “submissive,” and even subversively feminist.

And even worse: Christ is dishonored. By venerating a human man, a passive-aggressive “submitter” is not giving glory to the God-Man. She’s taking it for herself, and missing the whole point of Christ’s teaching that the truly great will be the servant of all: only Christ was the servant of all, making Himself nothing, so that now only He is the greatest (Philippians 2: 1-11).

Gothard’s worldly ‘greatness’

In his quote, Gothard completely ignored that. Perhaps he said more, which isn’t shown, about Christ being the greatest Servant, Whom both men and women honor in the ways they serve one another. But if not, he rejected a prime opportunity to point to the Savior his organization claims to follow. Instead he pointed to humans, and to women in particular as in effect the world’s secret rulers — something Christ never meant whenever He taught on true servanthood.

Three passages in Scripture contain Jesus’ reminder that if one wishes to be truly great, he must become the servant of all: Matthew 18: 1-4, Mark 9:33-37 and Luke 9: 46-48.

In each account, of apparently the same dialogue about seeking servanthood as true greatness, Christ was speaking to His disciples. They were men. Women aren’t mentioned. He used a trusting child’s conduct as an example of true humility. Mark 9:37: “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me.” And in Luke 9:48 He adds, “For he who is least among you all is the one who is great.”

What are the contexts here? Not gender roles. Not family. Not which gender should serve the most in a human way and thus be greatest. Jesus is pointing to Himself. These passages are about Him. And later, from the minor gift of washing His followers’ dirty feet to His earth-shaking, epic death on a cross for the salvation of His people, to be the ultimate sacrifice for our sin — He proved Himself the One Who saves us, changes us, the Servant of all.

Some Christians downplay Jesus’ appeal to the reward in verses like these. That’s not what I’m saying here. He was not so “spiritual” that He expected people not to seek a reward, but He never said your search is wrong. Instead He said, You’re looking in the wrong place for your reward. You must give all you have to seek the greatest reward, everlasting joy in Myself alone.

This is epic, religious-game-changing truth.

Therefore, for professing Christians like Gothard to shunt it off, and instead appropriate the servant-of-all phrase to be about women supposedly being the greatest in the world because of their greatest service, is outrageous.

Again, I do assume here that he is being quoted accurately, and didn’t amend that statement or proclaim Christ elsewhere. But sadly this fits with Gothard’s Christian-ized humanism, making Christ and His salvation a means to moral improvement, rather than believing we’re changed to be like Christ for His sake and glory. It’s false teaching, and close to blasphemy.

And it is re-routed feminism. Gothard takes the whole intent of Christ’s greatest-of-all truth, however you believe that affects men’s and women’s roles, and twists it into a parody. Men are not respected, women are actually exalted, and Christ Himself isn’t given His rightful due.

Basic life control

It’s not surprising to see “submission” being twisted like that, based on a Biblical worldview of sin and humans’ natural instincts to glorify themselves, and even God’s good gifts, above God Himself. Even for Biblical Christians mindful of grace, any good thing can be so warped: church involvement, Godly parenting, ambition in work, even studying and teaching the Bible. That’s why we need Christ Himself, changing our minds and motives (Romans 12: 1-2).

But some sins at least make sense. That leaves the question: why would a woman knowingly, willingly buy into even passive-aggressive “submission,” with all of its self-risking dangers?

My conjecture: because despite the dangers, the perks of succeeding are even higher:

- Comfort — you get to follow Rules and Traditions. And striving to follow rules has always been easier if you define rules as applying to the Externals rather than what’s happening in one’s heart. As for the spiritual heavy lifting, that falls to the husband, leaving you time for other tasks to accomplish.

- Changing others — man-made religion is a pyramid scheme. Those at the top get there because they’re best at spreading the scheme to others. Those who accept the scheme do so because they’re also hoping to reach the top someday, so they in turn spread it to others, who of course catch that same motivation, and so on. So what other purpose is there in accepting the scheme? Only to pass it on. But if you, by chance, wind up near the top, you’ll always have the assurance of people following you, buying your books, seeing your success and affirming you: You are such a godly wife, so accepting of your place, so submissive; I want to be like you.

- Control — even for a non-passive-aggressive woman, a chauvinistic man has such “strength.” Supposed “nice guys” don’t have that. Ruler-husbands may be bad, even abusive, but at least they are powerful. So the kickbacks come from being exposed to that power, despite those trifling side effects of having little or no love. And a strange kind of comfort is in that — a “comfort” that, sadly, leads to so many faux “relationships” and enabling of evil abuses by men against women. When this happens, again and again, there’s always a sure way of managing it in your own mind: It’s something I did. At least he’s strong. I can do this, or that, and be better next time, and surely he’ll change. I don’t need anyone else’s help. Changing him, civilizing him next time, is all up to me. There’s a control in being controlled.

That last proves soberingly true for those trapped in anti-Biblical patriarchy practices. My own mother knew a patriarchy-leaning mother who did not know her child’s whereabouts, in the immediate aftermath of the Sept. 11 attacks. Naturally my mom asked her what she was doing to search for him. The woman’s reflexive response? I’ve asked my dear husband what to do.

“I think no force in heaven or hell could keep me from picking up the phone to try to find my kid under those conditions and I wouldn’t need [him] to tell me what to do,” my mom said.

Would that be rebellion against God, a display of arrogance, a refusal to respect a husband? By no means. Arrogance, rather, would sit back and wait for a husband to “control” everything — the control in being controlled. But true humility, through a personal relationship with both Christ and one’s husband, would remind this mother she knows what both Christ and her “dear husband” would decide: get on the phone, the internet, anything, to find your child!

Thus it’s through action, not passive-aggression, that Christ is best glorified, a husband truly respected, and a family loved. And it’s through true humility, looking not to one’s self but to Christ as the exalted Servant of all, that helps us take our eyes off ourselves and reject re-routed chauvinism, feminism, or any infesting sins in between.

About the author

E. Stephen Burnett is an aspiring visionary novelist, community newspaper journalist and online columnist, who hopes God’s grace and glory will help him honor Christ in all his callings. That includes SpeculativeFaith.com, which explores God-exalting visionary fiction such as fantasy and sci-fi, and YeHaveHeard.com, with its debunking of common Christian myths about the Bible. He also enjoys reading and spending time with his wife, Lacy, in their central Kentucky home.
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Images provided by the author.

Life and Sparrows

2011-02-23T23:12:00.005-06:00

by Hillary McFarland

“Remember, Miranda, ‘rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft.’”

—From When Sparrows Fall, by Meg Moseley

Releasing May 3rd from Multnomah.

haven't been writing as prolifically here at Quivering Daughters the past few months. Sometimes I click on my link and just stare, asking in silence,"Do You have anything for me, Lord?" And with my main topics, at least, there hasn't been much in the way of newness or inspiration. I remember when it wouldn't stop coming, flowing out, and I had dozens of sticky notes scattered across my desk with hasty phrases and references scrawled across so I wouldn't forget an idea or a point or something I believed God wanted me to share.

Now these notes are few and far between. And as I click through my archives, I realize: I've said what I believe God has asked me to say, and I hope ~ pray ~ that He is glorified through words found here.

In November I shared how I want to be grace-with-skin and am desperately still learning how. In part this means continuing to pour myself out to Him and for Him as He calls. To immerse myself in community with others ~ writers and readers, online, in daily life, and wherever He leads. I love how the Lord continues to give beautiful, tender examples for me to follow through His own grace towards me!

The past several days I've worked with guest writers preparing some fantastic articles to come over the next few months and am really encouraged by their voices and viewpoints. If you have an article you believe would be a good fit for Quivering Daughters, please email me. If you are a woman who would like to share your heart or your story, anonymously or using your real identity, for the blog or even privately, please email me. I believe it's important for voices to speak up, for stories to be told and lives shared, so that we as the body of Christ can learn from each other and about each other.

In fact, story can accomplish through simple illustration what fact and reason and thesis and exegesis cannot. Jesus used story to communicate profound truth ~ revealing hearts, transforming lives, opening eyes. And in a soon-to-be released novel about a mother's experience with spiritual abuse, author Meg Moseley follows suit.

Although the perspective is slightly different, it's a little uncanny to see familiar life experiences through someone else's eyes. When Sparrows Fall features mature elements like coercion and emotional manipulation, but also describes the everyday homeschooling life as only one with experience knows how.

A former homeschooling mother ~ her children are now grown ~ Moseley is careful to distinguish between "normal homeschoolers" and ... the others, bringing to life Miranda, widow and mother of six, ensnared by a spiritually abusive church while yearning to keep her children sheltered from the world. It's a tale that will resonate with anyone familiar with the dynamics of spiritual abuse, but especially for women with a more austere experience within homeschooling circles.

I deeply appreciate Meg's gift to the evangelical community, which largely remains unfamiliar with the intimate nuances of deeply conservative lifestyles. In addition her words validate the sacrifices and love of mothers everywhere who only want the best for their children. Despite accurately portraying the bitter fruits that can arise from white-washed idolatry, this book offers messages of redemption and hope.

To read an excerpt of When Sparrows Fall, please visit Meg Moseley's website.

While this book is a work of fiction, there are so many reflections throughout the pages that echo things I've seen, heard, or experienced throughout my own life. Stories like this are important because they educate and inform while also giving us the opportunity to see life through eyes that might be shrouded otherwise. To hear voices that might be silenced, or hearts snuffed. Please, whomever you are and wherever you are, please tell your story. I think you might be surprised at what comes next.

You never know who might be listening.

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Question for those who grew up home-schooled: What do you want others to know about your experience? What did you appreciate and what would you have done differently? What would you tell a parent who is thinking about homeschooling their child? Feel free to comment anonymously if you wish.

Clean

2011-02-17T08:30:00.002-06:00

By Eric M. Pazdziora

I have felt dirty and unworthy of a clean slate with God ever since my experience, ever since that meeting with Mrs. H---, this feeling has plagued me for years.... The struggle that has lingered from my TM days is guilt.
--Anna (on Recovering Alumni)

Everybody’s felt that.

You feel dirty.

You feel unclean.

You feel unworthy.

You feel guilty.

And all the religious people in the world decide they agree with you.

That’s the part that hurts the most, maybe.

So they drag you out on the street, rocks in hand, taunts and jeers and everyone watching. Catcalls and boos and curses and imprecations. And they drag you through the city until they find Him.

And they say to Him, “The cat dragged in this dirty thing but it wouldn’t eat it. What do we do with it?”

He looks annoyed and He starts doodling on the ground with His finger.

And they ask again, “What do You do with something that’s this dirty?”

(You never knew before that someone could doodle passive-aggressively.)

And they ask again, “What are we supposed to do with this dirty, guilty, sinful, unworthy thing that crawled out from under the rock pile?”

Eventually He looks up and says what nobody expected. “Whichever one of you isn’t dirty yourself, go ahead and throw the first stone.”

Then He goes back to doodling. Like whatever He’s drawing in the dust is more important than what all the religious people in the world think of you.

All the earth stands silent. (Actually, it’s watching the doodling.)

Then all the prophets and the apostles and the great multitude of the heavenly host stand up in heaven and shout words too big to hear...

"I am writing to you who are God's children because your sins have been forgiven through Jesus." (1 John 2:12).

"I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols." (Ezekiel 36:25).

“Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1)

"O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption." (Psalm 130:7)

"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace." (Ephesians 1:7)

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)

"Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool." (Isaiah 1:18)

"He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior..." (Titus 3:5-6)

"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water." (Hebrews 10:22)

Suddenly you know what all the religious people in the world forgot that day:

Jesus makes you clean.

All the religious people slink away without the rocks they were going to throw. Some to cry, some to brood, some to whimper, maybe even some to rejoice.

And then it’s just you and Him.

Finally He looks up from His doodling and smiles. He says, “Wasn’t there just somebody here saying you were dirty?”

You smile back. “I think they all got religion.”

“What a coincidence,” He says. “I don’t think you’re dirty either. Well, you’d better go along. You don’t have to be a sinner anymore. You’re clean.”

If you believe nothing else, believe this:

The whole point of what Jesus did is to make you clean.

So you're free.

You're not guilty.

You're not condemned.

You're clean.

(The story of course is a massive allusion to John 8:1-11. The picture is by Rembrandt, because he was the only one to draw it exactly the way it ought to be--a doodle.)

For the Love of a Shepherd

2011-02-14T15:43:00.002-06:00

I have loved you with an everlasting love

therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.

(Jeremiah 31:3b)

hose recovering from spiritual abuse, authoritarianism and emotional manipulation often say they also need a break from God.

Often, they do.

At least from the god they've known. But in a wild, heady, divine redemption, this rejection of an authoritarian god often becomes a heady step of faith ~ a move towards the One True.

With lovingkindness I have drawn you.

Is there any love message more tender than this?

Many of my readers know first-hand the pain of coercion, manipulation and force. Of the Ezekiel 34 kind of shepherd ...

¹And the word of the LORD came to me, saying, ² “Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel, prophesy and say to them, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD to the shepherds: “Woe to the shepherds of Israel who feed themselves! Should not the shepherds feed the flocks? ³ You eat the fat and clothe yourselves with the wool; you slaughter the fatlings, but you do not feed the flock. ⁴ The weak you have not strengthened, nor have you healed those who were sick, nor bound up the broken, nor brought back what was driven away, nor sought what was lost; but with force and cruelty you have ruled them. ⁵ So they were scattered because there was no shepherd; and they became food for all the beasts of the field when they were scattered. ⁶ My sheep wandered through all the mountains, and on every high hill; yes, My flock was scattered over the whole face of the earth, and no one was seeking or searching for them.”
⁷ ‘Therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the LORD: ⁸ “As I live,” says the Lord GOD, “surely because My flock became a prey, and My flock became food for every beast of the field, because there was no shepherd, nor did My shepherds search for My flock, but the shepherds fed themselves and did not feed My flock”— ⁹ therefore, O shepherds, hear the word of the LORD! ¹⁰ Thus says the Lord GOD: “Behold, I am against the shepherds, and I will require My flock at their hand; I will cause them to cease feeding the sheep, and the shepherds shall feed themselves no more; for I will deliver My flock from their mouths, that they may no longer be food for them.”

In direct contrast, our Good Shepherd beckons gently. He appeals. He woos. He lavishes life. His love makes you want Him.

I will require My flock at their hand, He says.

I will deliver My flock from their mouths.

My prayer for all my readers today is that you may come to know this love, even if you've known of it all your life; even if you thought you've known it.

It's a jealous kind of love, for ...

neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Rom. 8:38)

I have drawn you, He says.
Rest and be drawn.
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In keeping with today's theme, here are past articles from Quivering Daughters that may be of interest.

When the Hands are Loving, Where Does the Pain Come From?

Carolyn doesn't know why she's crying. “It doesn't make sense,” she says. “I don't go hungry. I have everything I need. We are a close family. I've never been hit. I know I'm a sinner and have asked God over and over to show me what I've done wrong and what I need to change, but nothing gets better ~ in fact, it gets worse! From the outside, everything looks great. But inside I'm going crazy. I can't take this much longer.”
Adult daughters like Carolyn write me often, agonizing over the cognitive dissonance of ... (To read more, visit When the Hands are Loving, Where Does the Pain Come From?)

How Does Jesus Love You?

by Eric M. Pazdziora

The story goes that somebody once asked a great theologian—nobody’s quite sure which theologian, but so the story goes—what was the most profound doctrinal statement he had ever heard. The theologian thought for a moment and replied:
“Jesus loves me; this I know
For the Bible tells me so.”
We smile at the irony of a distinguished scholar singing a ditty for children. But I think he knew his stuff. Unless you become like a little child, after all, you won’t get into the kingdom of God. Out of the mouths of infants and babes, God has perfected praise. In those three little words we all sang as children is everything we really need to know: “Jesus loves me.” (To read more, visit How Does Jesus Love You)

When You Love a Daughter of Patriarchy

Recently Lewis left this comment on Irony and a Broken Heart:

There is much I could say.
My former bride-to-be was heavily indoctrinated into the notion of "I don't give my heart away" and her father being her protector. She was/is in her mid 20s. The result was a woman morbidly afraid of her own shadow emotionally, a woman who was continually laden with guilt about expressions of affection for me....(To read more, visit When You Love a Daughter of Patriarchy)

Saturday Evening Blog Post with Elizabeth Esther

2011-02-04T20:46:00.001-06:00

Please visit Elizabeth Esther for a unique gathering of bloggers! This month she invites you to link your most poignant, your favorite, or most thought-provoking articles from January and December on her website. I've chosen The Secret Life of Grief from January and a fresh look at John the Baptist, Emmanuel, from December. A close third would have been When Parental Obedience Brings Rejection. I look forward to reading yours!

Faith Tangles

2011-02-04T20:18:00.006-06:00

he words throb with aching, almost melting with unseen tears as I read them, again and again, in my email. Or on facebook. Is it too late? Is there hope? And sometimes they are angry, and accuse, leaking pain and regret and pride and humility and sometimes they are my own, broken, weak and frail. And hearts break, both sides, both those who ask and those who wait, longing to hear I love you.

No matter what.

I don't know who you are, dear friend. I hear from many of you. We sin and are sinned against. We all have stories, some of joy but more of grief. I tremble with you and my heart sobs for the eternity placed within where there is no more dark, no more pain. When mortality is swallowed up by life. These tangles of humanness and faith, the where did we go wrong and where do we go from here and it's too late now and I'll never be what they need or want spill from every soul-crack and heart-fissure. We groan and labor, awaiting redemption.

God knows.

You matter to Him. Your pain and heartache matter, your struggles and confusion matter. Whether you are a child or a parent, whether you are a friend or a sibling or a wife, husband, teacher or pastor, whether you are falsely accused or responsible ...

... you matter.
You are loved.
You are known.

And you aren't left helpless. Regardless of the hurts you've given or sustained, the mistakes you've made or the wounds you bear, whether you're allowed in or shut out, the Most High has not left you fatherless or barren. There is something you can do, no matter who you are or what responsibilities are yours. Where to begin? Paul gives us a hint in 1 Corinthians 13. And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; he says, but the greatest of these is love.

And now abide. Present. With us. Faith, hope, love ... the living out of endurance, of suffering long, of bearing all things, of not giving up. Rejoicing in truth and through it, recognizing where we stand now, today, and seek how to become more like Christ.

It is the fleshing out of grace.

How would this look in your situation? Sometimes it requires humbling ourselves and asking forgiveness. Other times it means upholding truth when we've done no wrong. It could be honoring boundaries. Or respecting someone else's walk with the Lord, even when we don't understand or agree.

Sometimes it means, simply, to watch and pray.

I watched a play recently with a message that can apply to all of us. Just click on the image below. Will you take the time to view it and then add your thoughts or share a link of your own? I'd love to hear who you are and where you are in your journey, and anything you care to add.

Written by Dr. Jay Wile and hosted at www.drwile.com.

Reader Question: Beagles, the Bible, and Birthdays

2011-01-21T07:30:00.005-06:00

By Eric M. Pazdziora

Ali writes:

Have you written on "birthdays?" My parents taught us the bible teaches that birthday celebrations are wrong and selfish. I remember King Herod being an example. I also was the example for my younger sisters as on my 6th birthday I acted selfish and ungrateful and I ruined having birthday celebrations for my 3 younger sisters. I don't honestly remember how I acted, but it must have been terrible to ruin "birthdays" for my 3 younger sisters.

I can understand why some religious folks get uneasy about certain popular movies or books or styles of clothing or genres of music. But birthdays? Sometimes you can push a line of thought too far and pull the whole thing down with it.

Apparently, the argument goes something like this. The Bible doesn’t have much to say about birthdays—certainly not whether we should celebrate them—and what it does say doesn’t show them in the most flattering light. Pharaoh had someone executed on his birthday. Job cursed the day that he was born. Herod threw a wild birthday party that included him ogling his stepdaughter’s exotic dance and wound up with John the Baptist getting beheaded. So, the Bible never says outright that we should celebrate birthdays, and the few times they’re mentioned at all, it connects them with sinful things. That proves birthdays are evil, right?

Wrong.

That argument is just begging for a good reductio ad absurdum, so I’ll give it one. Let’s take another biblical example: dogs. Every mention in the Bible of dogs is negative. Dogs are symbols for false prophets and blasphemers. Dogs licked Lazarus’s wounds in the rich man’s gate. Dogs ate the body of Jezebel. Don’t cast your pearls before swine or give what is holy to dogs.

So…. what do we say to this li’l guy?

Given the theological considerations as established, the only thing that can reasonably be said under the circumstances is Awwwwwwwww! Who’s a widdle cutesy muggins and his widdle biddy puppy feetsies and—ahem. Excuse me. Where was I?

That’s just the point, though. I’ve met a lot of people who interpret the Bible hard and fast and legalistic, but I’ve never met anybody who thought puppies were evil—well, aside from chewing the furniture—even though the Bible seems to say so. We all know instinctively that puppies were made to be loved.

And what about house cats? The Bible doesn’t mention them anywhere, not even once. Yet I’ve never seen a debate on whether a Christian should own a cat. (Or, maybe more accurately, whether a cat should own a Christian.) Everyone knows that would be ridiculous. Who can’t love a kitten?

Yet the logic of this argument would be even stronger against puppies and kittens than it is against birthdays—if I can use the word “logic” to mean “fallacy.” The Bible only ever mentions dogs in connection with sin. Does that prove dogs are sinful? No; that’s the “guilt by association” fallacy. The Bible’s original cultural milieu considered dogs unclean. Does that prove dogs are unclean for us? No; that’s the “false analogy” fallacy. The Bible doesn’t mention cats at all. Does that prove Christians shouldn’t keep them? No; that’s the “argument from silence” fallacy. That’s a lot of fallacies, but that’s what the anti-birthday doctrine is made of.

Why does this argument fail so spectacularly? For one thing, because real Christianity is not Bibliolatry. If you try to use the Bible as the compendium of all knowledge—the source of all rules for living—the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy—then you’re not using it right. At least, not according to what the Bible says that Jesus said about what the Bible says:

You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; and it is they that bear witness about me, yet you refuse to come to me that you may have life. (John 5:39–40)

Scripture isn’t meant to point us to rules or principles for life. It’s meant to point us to Jesus, who gives us life. (I discuss this at more length in an odd article called God’s Little Instruction Book.)

So, what did Jesus say the Bible was all about?

Then one of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, and saying, “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?” Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 22:35–40)

The Bible, according to Jesus, can be summed up in two commandments: Love God and love your neighbor. That makes sense, since the Bible is a book about Jesus, and Jesus embodies God’s love for us and for everyone (John 3:16).

In other words, if you read the Bible and you come away with more love for God and more love for the people around you, you’ve probably found the correct interpretation. If, on the other hand, you read the Bible and come away with less love—if it makes you, for instance, steal the happiness from a six-year-old girl and give her a load of guilt instead—then you don’t even need exegesis to know you’re doing something wrong.

So let’s reframe the question and make it about love. If we love God (as revealed in the Bible) and love our neighbors (as informed by the Bible), what should birthdays be to us?

Once we ask that, things get much clearer. First off, we discover that faith in Christ is certainly not a matter of keeping rules about special days or holidays or feasts. Here’s Paul, writing crisply as he usually does:

In view of these tremendous facts*, don’t let anyone worry you by criticizing what you eat or drink, or what holy days you ought to observe, or bothering you over new moons or Sabbaths. All these things are no more than foreshadowings: the reality belongs to Christ. Let no man cheat you out of your joy by wanting you to join him in his false humility and worship of angels. Such a man, presuming on the little he has seen, by using an unspiritual imagination, entirely forgets the head. It is from the head alone that the body, through its joints and ligaments, is nourished and built up and grows as God meant it to grow. (Colossians 2:16–19, Phillips)

*Read the first few chapters of Colossians to see which tremendous facts. It’s worth it.—EP

According to this passage, criticizing and condemning people about the special days they observe is a case of missing the point, a show of pride disguised as false humility, mistaking the symbol for the reality. Listen to that kind of critic and you’ll be cheated out of the joy and freedom that comes from Jesus’ love. You won’t grow by keeping those rules, because spiritual growth comes from Christ just as your body’s growth comes from your head.

The fact is, God doesn’t particularly care whether we celebrate Birthdays or Name Days or Saint’s Days or Sweet Sixteen or Bar Mitzvah or Quinceañera or whatever growing-up ceremonies you happen to have or not in your culture. He cares about your heart. He cares whether we celebrate the people we love, starting with our children. Children are blessings, so parents ought to treat them like it. This is where the attitude behind birthdays matters most.

To see why, we only have to look at the way God treats His own Son:

“I will surely tell of the decree of the LORD: He said to Me, ‘You are My Son, Today I have begotten You.’” (Psalm 2:7)

Psalm 2 is a striking messianic psalm. It describes every nation belonging to the kingship of “the Lord and His Anointed”—the latter identified as “the Son” to whom we should “do homage” (Psalm 2:2, 12, NIV). This particular verse is crucial to the biblical theology of God, Christ, the Trinity, things like that. Because He is begotten by God, the Son of God is fully God—“begotten, not made” as the Nicene Creed puts it. The New Testament writers quote Psalm 2:7 at least three times (Acts 13:33, Hebrews 1:5, Hebrews 5:5) to make the case for the deity of Christ. This is not a small point.

God the Son in His deity did not begin at a point in time but comes eternally from the Father (cf. John 1:1–3, John 8:58). Psalm 2:7 might also be taken to apply to the Incarnation—when the Son of God was begotten as the Son of Man—or the Resurrection, when He became “the firstborn from the dead” (Colossians 1:15) and was “declared to be the Son of God in power” (Romans 1:4).

The point is this. Even though the Son is fully God and fully eternal, even though there never was a time when Christ was not—when the psalmist tells us “the decree of the LORD,” he tells us that the Father celebrates His Son’s birthday.

“Today I have begotten You,” He says. It’s not a statement about time but about identity and belonging: “You are My Son.” By pointing out the begetting, the eternal birth, the Father names the Son as His own. The Father gives the Son His approval and tells us to honor Him, to love Him, to bring Him our homage and gifts. The Father pours out His love and delight on His Son, naming Him “My Son,” celebrating the identity of the Divine Child on the “day” of his begetting.

Nor does this end with God, or at least it shouldn’t. God is “the Father from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name” (Ephesians 3:15). The way God treats His children is the way human fathers are meant to treat their children. That’s why Jesus could base an argument for God’s goodness and provision on the fact—wait for it—that even sinful parents give their children gifts:

"If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!” (Matthew 7:11, NASB).

This is where the evil of the anti-birthday doctrine reveals itself. It’s a savage irony that these systems of doctrine claim to be based on verses about children being blessings from the Lord, then turn around and say it’s wrong to celebrate birthdays but right to burden children with mountains of guilt in the name of God. That’s not how you treat a blessing.

Parents, let me be blunt: Don’t you dare ever, ever put your doctrines before your daughters. As Christians, we follow the One who said “Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them” (Mark 10:14). If your theology doesn’t involve you tangibly expressing your love and delight and celebration and joy in your children, then your theology is worthless. If you can’t love your own son or daughter whom you have seen, how can you love God whom you have not seen?

It’s not a stretch to say that all of Christianity is built on the truth that the Father loves and celebrates His Son. Trusting in Christ means believing what the Father said about Him:

“This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased.” (Matthew 3:17, 17:5, Mark 1:11, 9:7, Luke 9:35, et al. This comes up a lot.)

The Father loves His Son and does not hesitate to say so in public. These are the words of a Father affirming, delighting, and approving His Child. God doesn’t say He is pleased with Jesus because Jesus is so good or holy or unselfish. God says He is pleased with Jesus because He is His Son, the Beloved.

We should never lose sight of this truth: If we are the children of God (John 1:12-13), this includes us. God loves us and is pleased with us. God doesn’t wait for us to meet a list of biblical requirements before He loves us, any more than we need to study everything the Bible says about dogs before we decide to love that puppy. God expresses His love to us in words and actions and sacrificial gifts—even the unimaginable gift of His firstborn Son. “He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:32)

Should we celebrate birthdays? Well, God does—not because of the birthday but because of the birth. Whether you ever got a birthday party or not, know one thing for sure. God is glad you were born. God is glad you’re you. God loves you. You were born, and born again, to be loved. You are God’s beloved child. In you He is well pleased.

God celebrates His children. God celebrates you.

Happy birthday.

Image sources: Cake Wrecks, Daily Squee

Eric M. Pazdziora is a writer, composer, and copyeditor who lives in Chicago with his wife Carrie. If you have a question you'd like Eric to answer, you can contact him through his website at ericpazdziora.com. You can find his other writings and original music there, too. Check out his CD New Creation.

The Secret Life of Grief

2011-01-19T19:24:00.005-06:00

*Please remember that articles at Quivering Daughters are written primarily to adult women struggling with a fundamentalist or patriocentric upbringing. Bear in mind that some content might be triggering for parents or siblings to read. As a writer in keeping with my audience, it is not to "paint with a broad brush" or "condemn" those who believe differently but to address the concerns of those to whom I write. Thank you for understanding.*

______________

by Hillary McFarland

t's cold here, this January. Even the sun chills earth and bone. A squash bakes in the oven and I stare at my screen wanting desperately to tell you that grief ends someday ~ in this life, I mean.

But I can't.

The truth is, grief ends some days.

Other days, it tears through heart-skin kept tender and transparent by hope and faith and love. And then we lash out at faith and hope and love, because ultimately, these are the faces that keep pain alive.

Pain indicates that something is not as it should be. We flinch at the sight of blood. We learn to bandage soul-wounds so tightly that bleeding stops, and we think the tougher the skin, the stronger we are. Sometimes we must be strong to survive those midnight moments when relief seems light-years away. But what if, in a frantic quest to end our grieving, we miss the secret treasures which can only be learned through grief?

A new book by author Kierstyn King illustrates the surprising life of grief experienced by those who become unwelcome in their families because they aren't good enough, godly enough, or ideal enough. For asking too many questions or the wrong kinds of questions; for understanding and believing differently. There aren't many things more agonizing than feeling unwanted, or wanted only-on-condition.

Rejection hurts. It's an action that says, I don't want you in my life if you [behave, believe, think] like that. Instead of rejecting the belief, there is a rejection of the person behind the belief. This subtle distinction spells death, and with death comes a type of weeping and gnashing of teeth that many I know experience every day.

What do you do with that kind of pain?

Especially when it's administered in the name of God?

Or the Bible? Or righteousness? Or godly, biblical living?

This kind of pain is difficult and complex. Some suggest that abortion would have felt more merciful, for at least the rejection would be before birth and not after. Others mutilate their flesh, desperate to find release from unrelenting anguish. A dear young friend, tormented day after day through rampant twisting of Scripture and manipulation in the name of God, shared how she would cut her arms over the open pages of her Bible so that her own blood seeped into the verses used against her. Dare we ask: what kind of internal aching is so deep that self-mutilation is welcomed relief?

What kind of internal aching is so deep that self-mutilation is welcomed relief?

A Quiverfull of Grief

There is a special place in my heart for quivering daughters who come from quiverfull families. To bear the weight of rejection, disappointment, and anger from not only one or two family members, but up to ten or twelve is a staggering burden indeed. To be held as the example of 'what happens when you rebel' to younger eyes who might not understand is a heavy cross to bear. Loss is a holy calling and aligns us with the Man of Sorrows whose grief was so great He described it as sorrow 'even unto death'. But loss is still loss, and when one's obedience to the heavenly Father requires us to lose our lives for Him, we begin to truly live the difficult part of the narrow way.

It is the willingness to embrace this sorrow-unto-death that the paradox emerges, and we find life ...

and joy.

Treasures of Darkness

I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that I, the LORD, Who call you by your name, am the God of Israel. Isaiah 45:3

Truth is, I still grieve sometimes. I've grieved a lot lately. And it takes me by surprise, like peeling an onion only to find an unexpected layer. I used to think that someone truly healed wouldn't feel such heartache but ... I was wrong. I'm heart-healed but there are days when I hide under blankets and shake with grief so palpable that I wonder if it will ever end. In His mercy, the Lord has given me courage to not run away but to stand and embrace whatever comes. Over time I've come to understand what this courage is. Scripture says that the joy of the Lord is your strength. Perhaps we can understand this another way: your strength is the joy of the Lord. The only way out of the aching is through it. Like precious oil, something priceless comes from the pressing of grief: a deep, sorrow-shaped joy that cannot be taught except by the living of it.

And with it comes the fellowship of God.

You have to let yourself grieve what you have lost. Otherwise it melts into your bones and becomes you, and it's really hard to see clearly when grief shrouds your eyes. Let the Lord lead you through the valley of the shadow for He is the only Light you need. And as you go, don't waste your pain. Allow the Lord to sculpt it for His glory. Our Redeemer will redeem it!

Abide

The womb of sorrow and suffering brings forth many things ... what a responsibility it is to parent, as it were, what is birthed from this holy darkness. I want to tell you that the grief will end some day in this life. I can't tell you that, but I can tell you that God is faithful. That He promises there will be a day when He wipes every tear from our eyes and puts an end to sorrow, grief, and pain. I can tell you that embracing His holy calling, His calling to lose your life and take up the cross, brings sweetness I can't begin to describe. That the hope, faith and love keeping your pain alive are also keeping your heart alive. These are what abide when everything else falls away.

I used to stand over the sink washing dishes, singing along to this oldie by Margaret Becker, clinging to her words with longing. No matter how much grief you face, don't stop loving. Don't become hard. Be tender in the Father's hand. He who walked the road before you walks with you still.

Are you grieving something right now? What have you learned about your pain? How have you found comfort? What does don't waste your pain mean to you?

*Please note that I am not a mental health professional. Many times we need help to cope with the depths of sorrow and grief. Please consider seeing a trusted counselor, pastor, or other professional as you seek comfort and healing.*

You might also like: "When Parental Obedience Brings Rejection"

A Few Good Links

2011-01-11T21:15:00.001-06:00

hope your New Year is off to a great start! Do you have any plans or goals for 2011? More reading, perhaps? If so, here are a few links that may be of interest...

One woman's thoughts on Motherhood After Growing up Quiverfull, Part 1

A wealth of articles and links about spiritual abuse

Touching prose and thoughtful dialogue at A Deeper Story

What are you reading lately? Feel free to link up or comment about your current finds.

Behind Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month: Guest Post by Lisa Bertolini

2011-01-07T11:06:00.005-06:00

Your God reveals Himself to you,

not just information about Himself.

~ Steve McVey, Grace Walk Ministries

Hillary's note: I've invited Lisa Bertolini, founder of Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month, to share the personal background which inspired it and why bringing awareness to this tragic reality is important to her.

by Lisa Bertolini

t's been nearly two years since I exited fundamentalism with deep gaping wounds in my soul. I knew that God exists, and I love Jesus, so I knew I would continue to walk with our Lord but I couldn't face gathering with others in churches just yet. Fifteen years of mind control had done it's damage to my mind and heart and I needed to be unraveled from it all. My husband, myself, our children, and a few others who exited the same week we did began meeting several nights a week to sort through our emotional and spiritual distress. We covered our dining room table with Bibles, concordances, Bible dictionaries, and the Hebrew/Greek Interlinear Bible. We needed to know what we believed and why we believed it. We no longer sought to know what the institutional church believed and why they wanted us to believe it. We needed to know who God is to us personally. We had been told before that we needed our own walk with Jesus, not our parents walk and in this case not our former church's walk. We needed our own unique walkabout with Him.

We each went through days of various emotions, from anger of being spiritually abused and lied to, confusion, and long days of crying. Breaking away from a church was like going through a divorce. It was incredibly painful. Some days were better than others. Some days I felt like part of me was dying. Some church members, who we had once called 'family' would ignore us as we passed by them in the stores, and others would send hate mail and leave awful comments on my Facebook page. I was going through such a difficult time and I couldn't go back to the same church family with my pain. I had tried talking to some in leadership, but they chose to side with higher leadership and ignore my pleas for help. They sided with the leadership that was causing me so much pain. We tried the Matthew 18 approach to no avail. It could never reach the church level of accountability, the leadership would not allow it to get that far. So I felt outed. I had to put up with it or walk away. For my own sanity, I needed to walk away. My husband and children were all hurt as well. In varying ways by different people in leadership. The abuse trickled down through the hierarchy and into the people. Now that we were out...now what?

Of all the websites I searched for about spiritual abuse, most of them were centered on specific denominations. I was discovering that the characteristics of these denominations abuse was the same. Most of them simply focused on the abuse, but not much on the healing. How do you find another group of people that will love you and help you sort through these feelings and the pain? So many Christians rejected our testimony and labeled us as rebellious or gossips. I couldn't wrap my brain around why they would be eager to help if it was a strange neighbor who was inflicting such pain on us, but since it was a 'church' and a 'clergy' they denied the abuse existed.

My husband confided in a few select pastors in town and they sympathized and listen intently. That was a huge relief to us. We had found a select few who were willing to help us through this difficult process, including a home fellowship we attended for several months after leaving the church. There is a misconception about leaving a church that I would like to clear up. Just because someone leaves a church, does not mean they left God. The true church is the Body of Christ worldwide and each town has local believers who gather in several homes, churches, and even in coffee shops. It's not the location or building that makes it a church, it's the people.

I believe firmly in gathering with other believers. The fellowship of the Body is a natural part of being part of the Body. Humorously, Sci-Fi movies teach this powerful truth when a robot clone falls apart, its body parts look for one another in order to get reconnected. Being a part of the Body is about being connected. But how does a wounded believer go about finding that place where they can be safe and heal? It's not easy, but it is possible.

Leaving a church can leave you feeling numb, depressed, hopeless, wounded, angry, and some days in a fog that doesn't seem to lift. It's called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and you can heal from it. I began crossing paths with others who have been through similar experiences and we began communicating through email and Facebook groups and discovered that we each had such similar experiences, wounds, and we all longed for fellowship again. Each person's healing journey will be unique.

After I read 'Quivering Daughters' and saw the dynamics of her Facebook page, I asked her if she wanted to partner with me on a new blog that offers resources for others looking for help. It would be a blog that doesn't pinpoint any particular denomination, but rather the characteristics themselves and articles to promote healing and inspiration to our souls. We created http://spiritualabuseawareness.com and I selected January as our month to raise awareness. Spiritual Abuse is a delicate issue and not easy to stomach for many Christians, but it is something we all need to face.

The government can't do a whole lot to protect us from spiritual abuse. They don't want to touch religious issues and church governance. This is an issue that must be handled within the Body of Christ. The most the civil authorities would be able to intervene with is physical and sexual abuse or IRS violations. Spiritual Abuse is an entirely different matter. Raising awareness about this type of behavior is what Thomas Hewlys did when he rejected the authority of King James over his spiritual walk with God. Standing up to religious tyranny is what Martin Luther did against the Roman Catholic Church. Spiritual abuse can lead to physical abuse if it is allowed to continue for too long, as what happened to Anne Hutchinson. Her firm beliefs in grace and equality of women landed her in jail, was neglected, and miscarried the child she carried, while in bonds. Just because one church has abusive leaders, doesn't necessarily mean the entire movement of that church is abusive. Although sometimes a vast majority of a denomination can be. It really depends on who is in power in those churches. They key is this, if Jesus is the Head of the church, you will have a healthy fellowship. If man takes control and thrives on power, it can lead to a dangerous outcome.

No matter what denomination you are struggling in, or have escaped from, there is hope, there are genuine believers out there, and authentic functions of spiritual leaders who can help guide you through the process of healing. You're not alone.

_________

If you or anyone you know would be interested in contributing articles to the (growing) website, www.spiritualabuseawareness.com, please leave a comment, send me an email, or contact Sisterlisa here.

You may also be interested in a new film dedicated to raising awareness about aberrant groups and spiritual abuse.

When Parental Obedience Brings Rejection

2011-01-05T13:05:00.000-06:00

by Hillary McFarland

But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy...

1 Tim. 3:1-2

ave you ever had this Scripture quoted at you? With ominous emphasis on last days and disobedience to parents? I have.

When these women obediently do so, they are condemned, emotionally (and sometimes physically) severed from their families, and rejected.

Disobedience, Really?

Now great multitudes went with Him. And He turned and said to them, “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple. And whoever does not bear his cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it—lest, after he has laid the foundation, and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish’? Or what king, going to make war against another king, does not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? Or else, while the other is still a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks conditions of peace. So likewise, whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be My disciple. Luke 14:25-33

Encouragement for Living

Keep your words sweet, like the saying reminds us, because someday you might have to eat them.
Seek to be humble in all things.
Stay open to correction, because we can learn from everyone despite disagreement.
Find safe and trustworthy people with whom to fellowship, even if you meet for coffee once a week.
The art of boundaries takes time to develop, but ask the Lord to show you how! And keep firm, but gracious, boundaries.
Listen well. Pray without ceasing.
As much as depends on you, live peaceably with all. But follow Jesus first.
Trust God. Trust His love for you and His love for the ones you love.
Remember that parents and others sometimes respond like they do because they are genuinely afraid for you. Honor them and be thankful for their love. Take their fears to the Heavenly Father and ask Him if there is anything He wants to show you through them, and ask Him to comfort them also.
Endure.
Don't let the rejection you feel cause you to reject others ~ or to even reject yourself. Don't reject your sadness. Don't reject your pain. Don't reject your anger. Let God use these things, and the God-of-all-comfort will bring life in ways you've never expected.
Do not return "evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing."
Love.

But take heart that you are not rejected by the One who matters most.

Broken, Revisited

2011-01-03T23:37:00.003-06:00

I'd like to begin 2011 with an important reminder from Eric Pazdziora. This article meant a lot to me, personally, and I hope that you will carry the truth in this message with you this year. God bless you all.
~ Hillary McFarland

Broken

By Eric M. Pazdziora

broken arm is painful. A broken glass is dangerous. A broken mirror is unlucky. A broken heart is depressing. A broken toy is sad. A broken promise is wrong.

So it’s strange that some well-meaning devotional writers tell us that spiritual brokenness is something we should aspire to, an attitude that we should constantly maintain. The doctrine has it that God uses suffering to break us spiritually, forcing us to depend on Him and making us willing to serve Him.

The Bible says the opposite. Spiritual brokenness is destructive and unbearable:

The spirit of a man will sustain him in sickness,
But who can bear a broken spirit?
(Proverbs 18:14, ESV)

A merry heart does good, like medicine,
But a broken spirit dries the bones.
(Proverbs 17:22, ESV)

Life has a way of hurting us, injuring us, breaking us. Sin, grief, injury, pain, suffering, bereavement, all of them act on our spirits like a hammer on glass. Some people may be in denial about it; some may be suffering from it every moment; some may be slowly recovering. Whatever the case, nobody needs to break us. We don’t need to break ourselves. We’re already broken.

That’s not a good thing. That’s an awful, painful, horrible thing. But it leads us to the only verse in Scripture that seems to put brokenness in a positive light:

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.
(Psalm 51:17, NASB)

That might be where some of those misguided teachings were extrapolated from. In reality, the verse is much simpler, deeper, and better than that. David wrote this psalm while he was in anguish over the guilt of his sin with Bathsheba and Uriah. Sin breaks our spirits; remorse breaks our hearts.

When we’re broken like this, in our shame or despair or pain, we start to think that God doesn’t want us, that we’re not good enough for Him, that we have to wait until we’re whole again before we go to God. Who wants a broken heart lying around cluttering up their house? Broken things belong in the trash, not in the throne room.

Not so, says penitent David. God doesn’t despise us if we’re broken. God wants us to bring our brokenness to Him. God wants us to come to Him fractures and all. God will take any heart you have to give Him, even a broken one. Especially a broken one.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
And saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the LORD delivers him out of them all.
(Psalm 34:18–19, NASB)

Brokenness is an affliction (not an aspiration), but the Lord is in the business of saving people from afflictions. The Lord doesn’t just want you to bring your broken heart to Him; the Lord sees your broken heart as a reason to come near to you.

The Lord does not break us in order to heal us any more than a doctor breaks your leg in order to put a cast on it. Why should He break you when He wants you to be whole? Isaiah said as much a few thousand years before:

A bruised reed he will not break,
and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
In faithfulness he will bring forth justice…
(Isaiah 42:3, NIV)

God doesn’t break you. But if you’re already broken or hurting, God heals you. If you have a broken arm, you go to the doctor. If you have a broken sprit, you go to the Great Physician.

I will seek the lost,
bring back the scattered,
bind up the broken,
and strengthen the sick…
(Ezekiel 34:16a, NASB)

He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
(Psalm 147:3)

God heals you by taking your brokenness onto Himself. In the person of Jesus Christ, God Himself was bruised, rejected, beaten, bloodied, broken.

Surely He has borne our griefs
And carried our sorrows;
Yet we esteemed Him stricken,
Smitten by God, and afflicted.
But He was wounded for our transgressions,
He was bruised for our iniquities;
The chastisement for our peace was upon Him,
And by His stripes we are healed.
(Isaiah 53:4–5, NKJV)

…this is My body which is broken for you.(1 Corinthians 11:24, NKJV)

This is one of many reasons we worship our Lord by making a sacrament out of broken bread. That was our brokenness on that Cross. You don’t need to be broken anymore—by His wounds we are healed. And when we are broken, we can look past the brokenness of the Cross to the empty tomb. What is broken will be made whole. What is dead will be brought to life.

Brokenness isn’t something we need to achieve. Brokenness is something we already have. Brokenness is something Jesus heals.

Jesus’ Heart

What can bring hope to a broken heart?
Only a heart that’s been broken too;
And Jesus Christ had a broken heart
When He spilled His blood for me and you.

What can bring warmth to a frozen heart?
Only a heart with the fire of love,
And Jesus Christ has a heart of fire
With the tenderness of God above.

What can bring peace to a troubled heart?
Only a heart that has conquered pain,
And Jesus Christ is the Prince of Peace,
For He gave His life and He rose again.

What can bring help to a sinful heart?
Only a heart that is free from sin,
And Jesus Christ has a perfect heart—
Will you give your heart to be cleansed by Him?

Eric M. Pazdziora is celebrating his mumblemumbleth birthday today, and he got a new CD of his original settings of hymns about grace. There are copies for everyone else, too. His wife Carrie sings on it, so it's really good. If you want one, some details are on this post at ericpazdziora.com.

[Image Source]

"Gloria" and Why to Sing It: Two Links of Note

2010-12-30T13:38:00.008-06:00

By Eric M. Pazdziora

I didn't write either of these things. A small, mostly selfish part of me wishes I had. The rest of me is too happy to care, because you get to see them on any terms.

The first is called "Going Back." Jon Acuff writes the hilarious and devastatingly honest blog "Stuff Christians Like," which intersperses good-natured skewering of church culture with blindsiding insights into God's grace. This one hit me right between the eyes. It's (partly) about a couple who adopted an orphan girl from Africa. Her adoptive father said…

...“We kept hoping that she would be disobedient and break the rules.”

Why? I won't spoil it, but it's almost certainly not what you think. It's about grace and redemption and adoption and what it means to go home. I honestly never thought about it this way before. I'm sure I'll be thinking about it this way again. Here's the link.

. . .

After you've read it, I think you will require some music. Maybe something that takes the word "Gloria" and makes it sail to heaven. This is a song by my friend Jon Guerra and his band Milano. Their fresh, energetic style is eclectic and hard to pin down--I describe it as "Keith Green getting together with a Gypsy band to cover Muse songs"--but this song especially is bigger than the music. It soars. As a bonus, it has a video that's plenty evocative in its own right. Enjoy. Worship.

GLORIA music video

(Here's an article with some more information on Milano's unique approach, and some more songs, for those interested: Artists Build The Church. They're well worth checking out.)

New year, new life, new creation. Gloria.

Eric M. Pazdziora lives in Chicago with his wife Carrie, where he writes his own articles and music sometimes too. You can find them at ericpazdziora.com.

Recovering Paradise: Raising Awareness of Spiritual Abuse

2010-12-29T12:32:00.007-06:00

by Hillary McFarland

“We're not anti-faith; we're anti-cruelty.”

So proclaims the website of a new, independent movie from By the Glass Productions. “We share a goal to give spiritual abuse survivors a voice,” they continue. This voice is epitomized through the perhaps-uncomfortably-familiar heroine created by writer and producer Andie Redwine, and found in the scenes of Paradise Recovered. A modern retelling of the Good Samaritan, this film introduces us to Esther, a denim-jumpered, hair-in-a-bun, homeschooled young woman who is sheltered and earnest until her life unravels and she begins wrestling with the world, the church, and herself.

Like Jesus, Redwine knows the power of story. A few months ago I spoke with Andie while she stood at a bus stop across from a field of horses in Southern Indiana, where the movie was partially filmed. “I'm waiting for the kids,” she says. “I do miss homeschooling. But this is good for us.” She's a work-at-home, adoptive mom of 4 who serves up unlikely movie fare from her kitchen table. “We are all involved,” she emphasizes. “Without my kids, my husband, and amazing cast and crew...I couldn't have done it.”

Instead of a critique of organized religion, Paradise Recovered offers an intelligent and sensitive look at a young woman and her spiritual journey. — Carrie Hoover, NothingButAustin.com

Wendy and Esther in Paradise Recovered

Unfortunately, spiritual abuse is a heartbreaking reality. Authoritarian control and coercion in the name of God, the Bible, faith, and family can be considered one of the worst types of abuses; Scripture itself describes it in piercing detail. “You know,” Redwine muses, “I have a strong faith in God. I love and try to follow the teachings of Jesus. I love the Holy Spirit. My life now is in the process of reclaiming for myself what the church tried to take away from me.” Because of her own experience within a cultic church, Redwine wants to help others understand how cultic groups operate and how spiritual abuse affects real, living people.
As well as how not to help. “Too often people say, “You just need to get over it.” What about instead offering someone to just come in and rest, for a change? You don't need to sign anything. Don't need to fill out a form or bring anything. You can get angry or frustrated. It's okay. Just rest.”

“Seldom has a film been constructed around such themes as religion, spiritual abuse and religious tolerance with such intelligence and grace.” — Richard Propes, The Independent Critic

Paradise Recovered is a great resource for those who want to understand spiritual abuse and the dynamics of cultic control while offering validation and hope to those who have staggered under the weight of them. Rather than aim to “just get over it,” this narrative documentary bravely exemplifies the confusion, heartbreak, and false view of God which follows those who use His name in vain to manipulate others.

To schedule a showing in your community* — “No town is too small; we will make it happen,” says Redwine — contact the production staff here.

*Conservative viewers, note that some scenes may be inappropriate for young children. There is also the infrequent use of mild expletives.*

_________________________________________

January has been named Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month, and there are many devoted to bringing attention to its prevalence within churches, communities, and families. Here at Quivering Daughters the archives offer considerable material about spiritual abuse. Included within my book is the work of David Henke offering his exposition of spiritual abuse. A very new and growing site dedicated to raising awareness seeks contributions; if you are interested please leave a comment, and the webmaster will get in touch with you. Please share your thoughts about the movie, if you've seen it, or your experiences within spiritually abusive environments, or links. You are always free to comment anonymously or email me.

Emmanuel

2010-12-20T22:58:00.009-06:00

by Hillary McFarland

Oh, come, oh, come, Emmanuel,
And ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear.

e sat in prison. Tomorrow, or perhaps a few days from now, he'd be headless. Some called him a wild man and others a prophet, but now he was only condemned. His life had always been a strange one...strange, like his stories. Not the least of which his mother liked to tell, the one about how he danced in her womb when God drew near. When he was young he'd shrug and duck a little when she repeated it again and again. “Come on, mom,” he'd say, and she'd light up and rough his hair and then gaze deep in his eyes, hands locked on his shoulders. “But it's the truth,” she insisted, fervent and strong. “Truth, John.” Timeless and full of fire, her eyes never seemed to age even as raven locks faded and her grip loosened over the years.

He missed that grip now, here in the dark, and pressed his back into the cold stone of the prison wall. I can handle prison, he calculated. He could handle the chains, even though his own cousin claimed He came to set captives free. Really, cousin? What about these? He moved his arms and skin tightened against iron.

The voice he knew so well, before birth even, repeated in his mind words boldly proclaimed in the synagogue that day, the day his cousin was nearly thrown off a cliff. The Spirit of the LORD is upon Me, because He has anointed Me. And he winced knowing exactly how those brown eyes glimmered when his friends uttered The Question. The one he sent them to ask; the one that kept him up at night, sleepless and burning even in the cold.

John closed his eyes in the dark but he could still see the face of his God-cousin. A scorching tear slid down and nestled in his beard, matted from the desert, these tangled remnants of wilderness and fire, the life of a nomadic prophet preparing the way for One who deliberately chose words from Isaiah to read to the people. “The Spirit of the LORD is upon Me because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed; to proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD. Today this Scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.”

Fulfilled. This message knew no cage.

Iron and irony surrounded him and John remembered how the people marveled at first, enraptured at this Galilean's magnetic grace. Grace and truth. He remembered the laughter which echoed off the hills of their childhood, and tears sizzled on weathered, toughened skin. He'd preached truth and sat in chains for it, while Truth walked free, preaching liberty. He'd always lived in the shadows of this Truth, overshadowed from his mother's womb; and standing by, overshadowed again when the Father of Truth thundered from the heavens, bearing witness of His beloved Son. “Hear Him!”

John trembled that day, and he trembled now. His question...he wished he could snatch it back. It was weak, and childlike, and after an intense life of proclaiming the Messiah how could he now, after everything he witnessed, have doubt? How could he, indwelt by the Spirit long before breath filled his lungs, be so blind and weary and struggling?

“Ask my cousin,” he'd ordered his friends, wild, desperate, and half-delirious, “ask him: are you really Him? Are you the coming One? Or do we look for another? Ask Him!” And then he sank into iron, spent and exhausted and afraid and ashamed. Ashamed of his weakness. Ashamed of his doubt. Afraid of the answer.

Was it worth it? Did he make the right choice?

Serve the true Messiah?
And yet the Living Water and the Bread of Life met the need of his heart, and sent his friends back with a message: “Go and tell John the things which you hear and see: The blind see and the lame walk; the lepers are cleansed and the deaf hear; the dead are raised up and the poor have the gospel preached to them. And blessed is he who is not offended because of Me.”

These words suspended, almost tangible in the air, and he reached towards them as though reaching for life itself. Tangled in chains and blood and the grime of a hundred other captives before him, closer than ever to death, John laugh-wept into darkness. “I can just see you saying that,” he cried in exhaustion and relief, hovering in that strange, euphoric other-world where grace covers shame and life follows death and only the child-like enter the kingdom of heaven. He tried to shout, but his voice was cracked and hoarse as he repeated them, these words from God. He'd repeat them till he walked up the steps, blinking into sunlight, to draw his final breath. He'd hear that familiar voice, too, and find rest for his soul.

______

What did you go out to hear and see? The Scripture has been fulfilled. The broken heart is healed. The captive one is set free. The lame walk. The one in need of good news has good news preached to him. These are the signs that follow Me. I touch lives, and these are the fruits. Why have I come? Hope and healing is why I have come. Why have you come? You were sent from God to bear witness of the Light. The Light shines in darkness, even when the darkness does not comprehend it. In life and in death, proclaim truth. I am the Way, Truth, and Life. God is with us. Emmanuel.

______

Suggested Scripture reading: Luke 1, Matthew 11, Luke 4

Multiple Scripture passages are used in this adaptation of the story of John the Baptist prior to his beheading by King Herod.