Comments on Quivering Daughters: How Healing Starts to Happen

thank you. that's all.. you have no no no ide...

2011-07-19T21:59:22.398-05:00

thank you. that's all.. you have no no no idea how much I needed that.

Yes, relationships will be superficial etc, howeve...

2011-05-14T11:18:46.795-05:00

Yes, relationships will be superficial etc, however, my main point is that we are responsible for our own actions and need to be determined to fight for healing whether we receive apologies or not, because some of us are just never going to get them, and we have to accept that. :)

Katie-Anne, I think it's very true that somet...

2011-05-14T10:09:18.591-05:00

Katie-Anne,

I think it's very true that sometimes you won't get apologies. However, I also think it's impossible to have an authentic relationship with someone who has done you wrong but refuses to acknowledge your pain. So even though a person can resign herself to pleasant superficialities (raising my hand here), it doesn't mean that deep down she finds it satisfactory.

To me, the value of an apology is not in getting a chest-beating, what-a-terrible-sinner-am-I confession from another (although this is more or less what I grew up with), but in the relationship that can only develop in an environment that affirms the other person's experience (something quivering daughters rarely get from their families).

My best to Emily!

I don't know that it helps us any to wait for ...

2011-05-14T08:55:12.068-05:00

I don't know that it helps us any to wait for an apology from anyone. I believe that if we are waiting on an apology in order to start healing that we are simply refusing to start the healing process. Some people either don't think they did anything wrong, or they think it wasn't good but not as bad as you think it was, or they just won't admit what they did was wrong and horrible, or, they are in the camp that even if it was wrong and horrible that you should just get over it.

People in my life fall mostly into the "we didn't do anything wrong, but even if we did and you think it's that wrong and horrible, you should just get over it".

I cannot sit around expecting an apology, as I have tried to talk about these issues anyway. It is my responsibility to heal regardless of whether I ever get an apology or not. I choose my own actions, I cannot choose the actions of others.

Katie-Anne, I think it's very true that some...

2011-05-12T11:48:44.074-05:00

Sorry, had to tend to the kids... We cannot live ...

2011-05-12T08:22:55.799-05:00

Sorry, had to tend to the kids...

We cannot live our lives refusing to be healed if we don't get an apology, because in a lot of cases you just aren't going to get one. I tried talking to my parents once and won't bring it up again because they refuse to admit that they did anything wrong. I have to just move on anyway and realize that that is their issue, not mine.

They have tried to drag up things where I said stuff about what they did to me to others and get me to apologize because they think I should not talk about stuff with others. They always told us that. They wanted us to hurt and not be able to express that hurt to anyone.

I still can't talk about anything really online, as there are people out there who read it, take it back to my parents, and the cycle starts again. I don't even know who is doing it, but I know that at least one someone, probably more, are.

I just have to accept that this is the way it is, and do my best to have a decent relationship with them anyway. It's not a close relationship, but I can talk with them about things, not deep life issues or anything, but everyday stuff, without feeling anger or hurt towards them.

They may never realize or admit what they have done wrong, and I can't wait for them to do so.

The story is awesome, but focuses too much on gett...

2011-05-12T08:13:59.693-05:00

The story is awesome, but focuses too much on getting an apology. Sometimes you just aren't going to get one. You can't make someone else realize they did something wrong, and you can't make them apologize. It's not like you can just have a talk and it's all great from then on.

Thank you for that -- it was relevant to many situ...

2011-05-10T01:33:49.610-05:00

Thank you for that -- it was relevant to many situations -- the kind of truth that feels like a layer of pain being peeled away