Letter To a Friend | Book Recommendations

by Elizabeth Wyse Cook

My dear friend,

You asked what books I might recommend as you seek healing from the emotional and spiritual trauma you have been through.  There are a few books that stand out in my mind as having been really helpful to me.  I am sure there are many, many more, but these are some of my favorites.

His Princess: Love Letters from Your King 

by Sheri Rose Shepherd This book is the first one that came to me.  As someone who had a horrible time receiving love and affirmation, this book gave me a small, daily dose of both.  Eventually, the truth of it began to sink in.  It is also a beautiful book, which was very good for me.  I desperately needed to learn how to take time to see beauty and appreciate it.  She has a whole series of books like this, including one for men. 

The Life Model: Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You by James Wilder and others; Joy Bonds DVDs or CDs by James Wilder This book and video series gave me the knowledge of how the emotional parts of the brain develop (Joy Bonds) and how to remediate deficits in emotional maturity (The Life Model).  I was very immature emotionally, so this gave me hope that I could heal and grow and mature.  As long as it is not used as just another formula, this information can be extremely beneficial.  I felt like it gave me a map of sorts so that I didn’t feel quite as lost.  I will warn you that the Joy Bonds videos, while in plain English, were still very difficult for me to understand the first time through.  I think it was mostly because it was so opposite to what I had learned and believed for my whole life.

Waking the Dead: The Glory of a Heart Fully Alive by John Eldredge
Captivating:  Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul by John and Staci Eldredge
Walking with God:  Talk to Him.  Hear from Him.  Really.  by John Eldredge Waking the Dead broke down a major wall of lies that I was believing.  I learned that God delights in me. That He loves who He created me to be.  That I can live in joy because He has made my heart good.  Captivating helped me see my value as a woman.  It also talks a lot about healing.  Walking with God helped me see that my relationship with God could really be a relationship instead of a list of rules to follow.  



Quivering Daughters:  Hope and Healing for the Daughters of Patriarchy by Hillary McFarland
Ah, what do I say here?  Hillary has been a mentor and become a friend.  She totally understands the pressures we faced growing up in legalistic families.  Her gentle words have often comforted me.  Her grace toward friend and foe alike have inspired me.  Her book and blog (www.quiveringdaughters.com) have been such a huge part of my healing that I’m not even sure how to explain it. 

Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to say NO To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Everyone should read a book like this.  Did you know that it is ok to say no sometimes?  To take care of yourself rather than help someone else if you are exhausted?  That you are an individual, not an extension of another person?  This book explains what boundaries are, how to set them, and how to maintain them.

A Matter of Basic Principles:  Bill Gothard and the Christian Life by Don Veinot
This is a hard book to read, but necessary for anyone involved in IBLP/ATI. 

Why Does He Do That?  Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
Explains the thinking of abusers (male and female, despite the title) and how to respond to them.  I tend to ask “why” a lot.  This book answered so many of my questions.  It also gives detailed instructions on how to get away from an abuser if necessary.  Not an easy or short read, but well worth it. 

When Sparrows Fall:  A Novel by Meg Mosley
This one is an easy read, except for possible triggers.  It takes various things we were taught and explains them to those who have never heard of them as well as exposing why they are inaccurate - all in novel form.  This might be a really good book to hand to relatives who want to understand why we were raised so differently. 

This is Your Brain on Joy by Dr. Earl Henslin
This is a rather technical book, but in plain English.  It explains the various sections of the brain and what they do (as far as we currently understand it).  He also explains how to help your brain to get or stay healthy, including specific recommendations for foods and supplements that may help fight depression, anxiety, anger, etc. 

There will be times when you will read something that will trigger unpleasant memories or challenge lies that you believe.  One of the things that helped me most at those times was to talk with a supportive friend or counselor who would first listen, then give feedback or remind me of other facts or memories that might help make sense of whatever it was I was processing. 

There is no specific order in which to read these.  Whatever sounds the most interesting to you is probably what you need first.  If you get overwhelmed, feel free to set aside one book and read another for a while.  This is not a race to get them all read (high achiever/ perfectionist speaking here).  The goal is let the truth you need right that minute soak into your soul.  That may be totally different from one day to the next. 

Happy reading!

Love,

Your bookworm friend
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Question for you: What books or resources have helped you, and why?

Letter From a Friend

by Elizabeth Wyse Cook

My dear friend,

I know you have been through some rough times recently. Your family does not understand why you have done what you have done. Most of your friends are probably avoiding you. But deep inside, you know you did the right thing by leaving. You can no longer be a slave to other people’s opinions - opinions that they claim are God’s way of doing things, but you cannot find basis for in Scripture. You likely feel very alone and very small as you begin your new life. I’m sure there are some doubts at times. It is ok. All of that is normal.

I want you to know that I am proud of you. I’m proud that you are thinking things through. That you are taking a good look at the things you were taught to believe and re-evaluating them. That you are searching for truth - searching for the true God. That you are determined to have your own relationship with Him with no intermediary except Jesus Christ. He is not the vindictive, always frowning and upset God that you were taught He was. He smiles at you with unconditional love and acceptance of who you are right now. He longs to comfort you. He can’t wait for the time when you discover His true character and know that He is compassionate and kind and merciful and full of grace. He is willing to win your trust; He won’t demand it.

I’m proud of you for taking on the responsibilities of an adult and refusing to be a perpetual child. This is not easy for someone raised like we were. It means a lot of risk taking, when we were taught that it was unwise to risk anything, ever. It means getting more education, finding a job, learning how to live in this culture instead of a in a fringe sub-culture. It may mean learning to drive or how to open a bank account and balance a checkbook, if you weren’t allowed to do those things before.

I’m proud of you for facing fear head on. We were taught to fear everything. I’m glad that you are willing to learn that many of those fears are unreasonable and invalid. You can drive yourself to the store and shop alone and be ok. You can wear normal clothes and not stand out like a sore thumb anymore. You can walk down the street and not fear that every man who sees you wants to harm you. The government is not out to get you; in fact, they may be able to help you at times.

I’m proud of you for seeking healthy relationships. For refusing to be a slave anymore. For learning what appropriate boundaries are and being firm in maintaining them with anyone who is determined to treat you like a child and a servant. There are good people in this world who will be good friends to you; I’m so glad you aren’t settling for any less. I’m sorry for the pain of broken relationships right now. Hopefully, those will someday be able to be mended, when they are finally willing to acknowledge you as an adult and an equal.

I’m proud of you for seeking good counsel, but retaining the right to the final decision. You are the only one who knows what you are really thinking and feeling. No one else “knows you better than yourself.” They can’t; they aren’t you. Yes, you will make some mistakes along the way. That’s ok. Failure is part of maturity. If you aren’t failing at something, you aren’t learning and maturing. (If a young child just learning to walk falls, do you yell at them for not succeeding the first time? No, you help them up and cheer them on. Same for a child learning to ride a bike or learn to read or whatever. Have the same grace for yourself as you learn new skills.) Hopefully, those mistakes or failures won’t be too painful or cause too much upheaval for you. It is good to take these steps toward independence slowly and gradually, but some of us don’t have that luxury. If you can possibly arrange to have a safety net, do so. Find wise, caring, grace-filled people that you can trust to help you work through things and who will cheer for you as you need them less and less. Things certainly will go a lot smoother that way. If you can’t find people, then find books that will point you in the right direction.

I’m proud of you for learning to accept help from others. So many of us had to be the strong one, the one who helped everyone else. Now we have to learn to accept love and grace and help and finances and emotional support and knowledge and whatever else we need. Learning to receive is a crucial step in emotional maturity. The next step is learning to understand our needs and ask appropriately for help in meeting them. Don’t worry, eventually you will be able to give to others again. But for now, just learn to receive and enjoy the love others are giving you. Experiencing it is the best way to learn how to give.

There is probably more I could say, but I don’t want to overwhelm you. For now, know that I care about you and there are many others who care about you too; you are not alone. You can make it through this. You are stronger and braver than you know.

Love,

Someone who has been there

What is Abuse?

Abuse is a hot, yet tender, topic. Nearly everyone would agree that abuse is horrible, unjustifiable, and devastating. Invariably, within a discussion of abuse, someone will bring up the question of definitions and ask, but what is abuse? Are we just throwing the word around, willy-nilly, and making false accusations? Are we slandering others using this emotionally-charged word? Shouldn't we drop this word and perhaps use something a little less alarming?

He has shown you, o man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you? But to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8

We are conditioned to consider abuse to be that which inflicts violence in the forms of rape, battery, beating, or extreme neglect. And yes, those are examples of abuse ~ yet they are not the only examples. Here is how the United States Department of Justice defines abuse. Please read carefully.

We define domestic violence as a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner.  Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.

Physical Abuse: Hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, pinching, biting, hair pulling, etc are types of physical abuse. This type of abuse also includes denying a partner medical care or forcing alcohol and/or drug use upon him or her.

Sexual Abuse: Coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact or behavior without consent. Sexual abuse includes, but is certainly not limited to, marital rape, attacks on sexual parts of the body, forcing sex after physical violence has occurred, or treating one in a sexually demeaning manner.

Emotional Abuse: Undermining an individual's sense of self-worth and/or self-esteem is abusive. This may include, but is not limited to constant criticism, diminishing one's abilities, name-calling, or damaging one's relationship with his or her children.

Economic Abuse: Is defined as making or attempting to make an individual financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial resources, withholding one's access to money, or forbidding one's attendance at school or employment.

Psychological Abuse: Elements of psychological abuse include  - but are not limited to - causing fear by intimidation; threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends; destruction of pets and property; and forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone regardless of race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels. Domestic violence occurs in both opposite-sex and same-sex relationships and can happen to intimate partners who are married, living together, or dating.

Domestic violence not only affects those who are abused, but also has a substantial effect on family members, friends, co-workers, other witnesses, and the community at large. Children, who grow up witnessing domestic violence, are among those seriously affected by this crime. Frequent exposure to violence in the home not only predisposes children to numerous social and physical problems, but also teaches them that violence is a normal way of life - therefore, increasing their risk of becoming society's next generation of victims and abusers. Sources: National Domestic Violence Hotline, National Center for Victims of Crime, and WomensLaw.org.
Source

These descriptions illustrate the mis-use of power and control over another person's mind, heart, and body. But there is another form of abuse, a spiritual one. A popular blogger recently observed that the term spiritual abuse is becoming increasingly wide-spread. I am thankful for this! It means that awareness is growing and when one is aware, he or she is more likely to be alert and able to discern warning signs. But what is spiritual abuse? Ezekiel 34 illustrates spiritual abuse in heart-wrenching prose.

“Woe to the shepherds of Israel who feed themselves! Should not the shepherds feed the flocks? You eat the fat and clothe yourselves with the wool; you slaughter the fatlings, but you do not feed the flock. The weak you have not strengthened, nor have you healed those who were sick, nor bound up the broken, nor brought back what was driven away, nor sought what was lost; but with force and cruelty you have ruled them.”

Another definition is offered by Watchman Fellowship:

Spiritual abuse is the misuse of a position of power, leadership, or influence to further the selfish interests of someone other than the individual who needs help. Sometimes abuse arises out of a doctrinal position. At other times it occurs because of legitimate personal needs of a leader that are being met by illegitimate means. Spiritually abusive religious systems are sometimes described as legalistic, mind controlling, religiously addictive, and authoritarian.

Conclusion

It is important to reach an understanding of words and what is meant when terms are used. But while one could argue definitions all day, please remember that meanwhile, there are some desperately hurting individuals in this world who need healing.

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Recommended reading on spiritual abuse: The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse  
Also see Elements of Spiritual Abuse, Spiritual Abuse in the Bible, Beating the Sheep.